This is my life:
by Greyhawk750
Summary: A repost of an older story, but merging two stories into one. Summary: How can the gang cope, when one of their own is taken. Please RR. Rated T due to intense dialouge and issues. Warning, this fic includes the death of a major character
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is a revised copy of Goodbye My Soul Mate. After reading the previous version, it looked to "rushed" and I realize that a lot of key content was taken out and a lot of chapters lacked elaboration or detail. Even if you have already read/commented on the original, I am hoping you will do the same here.

Update: This is a repost from an earlier story. However I am merging 'Goodbye My Soul Mate' and 'Welcome To My Life' as one story, instead of two seperate stories

**Tragic News**

"Where to, buddy", the cab driver asked as he picked up Chandler from the hotel. "Will Rogers airport, please". Chandler hated working in Tulsa and hated being so far away from Monica, but the money was good. Besides he was only gone 4 days out of the week, and when you look at it like that, it's not so bad. "Many people don't see their wives or family for weeks at a time", Chandler thought to himself as he tried to put everything into perspective. Plus it made the time they did have, all the more special.

The cab driver pulled into the terminal and Chandler got out, collected his bags and paid the taxi fare before entering the gates. "Wow, the airport is really crowed", he thought to himself as he waded thru a sea of people to get thru security and headed for the gate. He was about an hour early and called Monica to let her know he was at the airport. "Ok, I'll see you in a bit...and I love you". Chandler smiled and said "I love you too".

Monica hated the fact that Chandler had to travel so much, but understood that it was either Tulsa or no job at all. But still, it broke his heart each time he had to leave again. Chandler killed time by playing his Game Boy, while waiting for the flight. Eventually the gate agent got on the speaker, announcing the flight to New York La Guardia was now boarding. Chandler headed for the desk, presented his ticket and sat down and fastened his seat belt. Their 5 year anniversary was the next day and Chandler had booked them for the whole weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Vermont. For the first time, it seemed like nothing could go wrong, and for Chandler, that was a little unsettling.

Meanwhile Ross was at his apartment watching a TV show about dinosaurs. Rachel had gone to work, and Monica came in, with 2 dresses and said "Ross, which of these dresses do you like"? Ross didn't even turn around and said the one in your left hand. "Ross", Monica scolded, "You didn't even look". Ross sighed and said "Ok, so the dress in your right hand". Monica was getting annoyed and said "Ross why don't...", Ross still glued to the TV said "Whatever, quit bugging me right now".

"Ok, well I have to go to the airport and pick Chandler up, anyway" and left the apartment. As she was driving down the highway, a speeding car rammed into her from behind, causing Monica to lose control of the car as it flipped over several times, before resting against a guard rail. Witnesses rushed to pull her from the smoking wreckage as she winced in pain. A few minutes later, which seemed like a eternity, and an ambulance approaches and calls for an airlift

"Where... where are you taking me", Monica moaned and the paramedic says "Ma'am, we're taking you to Beth Israel. "My hus...husband. I was picking... him up from La Guardia". The paramedic said Monica was quite bad and they needed to get her to the hospital, right away. "Please call my friend", Monica said as she gave Phoebe's phone number. They gently placed her in the helicopter before taking off for the hospital.

Chandler's plane arrives and he goes to get his bags and heads to where Monica usually waits for him, but finds Phoebe instead. "Hey, Pheebs", he greeted with a hug as they head down to Phoebe's taxi as they get in. "Where's Monica at", Chandler asks, to which Phoebe does not answer. She misses the exit to Greenwich Village Hey Pheebs, need a map. That was our exit". Phoebe turned around and by that time, Chandler could see she was crying. "I'm sorry, Phoebe. The way your going is just fine and dandy". Phoebe wiped her eyes and said "We're going to the hospital".

"Hospital? Why are we going to the hospital"? Chandler asked and Phoebe, as gently as she could, said something happened to Monica. "Oh God. Oh my God", Chandler panicked. Phoebe put her hand on Chandler's shoulder, trying to calm him down and when Chandler was able to catch his breath, he asked how bad the wreck was. "Sweetie, the wreck was real bad. They had to airlift Monica to the hospital". Phoebe could sense the panic and fear building inside of Chandler and said "We need to think good thoughts, honey". And Chandler tried to think good and loving thoughts, but the worst case scenario kept playing over and over in his head.

The trip to the hospital seemed to take forever, but in reality only took about 30 minutes. They rush into the hospital and catch up with the others. Rachel hugs Chandler, crying and Ross, thru tears, said it didn't look good. All of the sudden Chandler felt faint and sick as he darted for the restroom as Ross went to make sure he was OK. He could hear Chandler coughing and heaving in the stall and went out and asked Phoebe to get a cup from the next door cafe.

Ross handed a cup of water to Chandler and asked if he was OK, but Chandler just shook his head. They go back to the others as Phoebe hands Chandler some ginger ale, saying it would help with the queasiness. About half an hour passes and Chandler goes back to the Nurse's Station for what seems like the millionth time to try and get information about Monica, but information was not available. Frustrated and scared Chandler nervously paces across the lobby.

Phoebe tells him to sit down and gently massages his shoulders, trying to get him to relax and calm down. Chandler got up and went back to the Nurse's Station and angrily demanded to know what was going on. Rachel takes his hand and gently escorts him to the waiting area, saying that when the nurse hears something, they will let him know. A few minutes pass and a doctor approaches and said "Mr Bing"?

Chandler stood up, nervous and shaky and says "I'm Chandler Bing. How is Monica doing". Chandler does not like the expression on his face as it is solemn and serious and says "We should talk in my office. Ross stood up and replied that he was going, too but the doctor said he would talk with everybody, but right now just wanted to speak with Chandler.

The gang hugged as Phoebe encouraged Chandler to keep thinking good thoughts. Chandler followed the doctor to his office, and the doctor invited him to sit down. The doctor showed X-rays, where Monica had a broken leg and broken arm, but said those were the least of the problems as Monica suffered massive internal injuries that could not be corrected. Chandler matter-of-factly asked what that meant and the doctor advised, as gently as he could, Monica was not going to survive the night.

Chandler asked the doctor why this happened, and the doctor simply replied there were no easy answers and the doctor asked if he wanted to inform the rest of the gang or if he wanted the doctor to. Chandler took a few minutes to regain his composure and said he would tell them. The doctor also said there was a Chaplin at the hospital, in case anybody need to speak with somebody. Chandler nodded, and went back to his friends, never feeling so lost and alone


	2. Chapter 2

**It's All My Fault**

Chandler could not believe this was actually happening, and he wanted nothing more than this to be a bad dream, and a few moments he will wake up next to Monica. But deep inside he knew this was real. This was a nightmare that there would be no waking up from, and he never felt so helpless and powerless and also could not help feeling guilty. Monica had begged him not to take the job in Tulsa, even if that meant losing his job. "If I wasn't in Tulsa, Monica wouldn't have had to come and pick me up, and none of this would have happened", Chandler thought to himself.

About half an hour passed and Chandler finally made his way to the waiting room and Rachel could that he had been crying, as his eyes were bloodshot. Ross said that he called Joey, and that he was on his way as well, and would be taking the next flight from Los Angeles. Phoebe asked how bad the situation was and Chandler started to cry and suggested that everybody sit down and as he tried to regain his composure, he said Monica would not make it past the night.

A few minutes later and the doctor came by and asked if they wanted to see Monica. He said they needed to brace themselves as he quietly opened the door and nothing could prepare them for what they saw as Monica looked battered, broken and bruised with a deep cut across her face. She was hooked up to several machines and tubes were everywhere. Chandler gently kissed her face and brushed a strand of hair away from her face and softly said "Sweetie, I am so sorry".

"This is all my fault. She is here because of ME", he lamented loudly as Phoebe grabbed his hand and pulled him outside the room and said "Not in front of Monica. If you want to cry and feel sorry for yourself, then do it out here, but not in front of Monica". Phoebe hugged Chandler and said "She can feel and sense what we're thinking, and if we think it's over, she will too". Rachel joined them in the hallway and said "Chandler, why is this your fault".

"It's my fault because she was the one who begged me not to go to Tulsa and if I had listened to her, she would not have had to pick up up at the airport and she wouldn't be in here", Chandler said as he started to cry. Rachel hugged Chandler tightly and said "It's Ok. We're all here for you, and this is not your fault, Chandler Bing. Do you hear me? This is not your fault". Chandler looked at her, the tears streaming down both of their faces and said "If this is not my fault, then why do I feel like it is"

Everybody else had already gone back into the room, but Chandler needed some time by himself as he walked to the lobby, sitting down, lost in his thoughts and said out loud, to himself "I can't do this by myself. I can't do this alone". A familiar voice behind him said "You don't have to, man". Chandler got up and looked behind him and saw Joey. He went over and hugged his best friend as Joey said he tried to get back as soon as he could.

Chandler and Joey didn't see much of each other since he moved to Hollywood and now was one of the most famous actors in the business. Chandler and Joey had always been there for each other, in the good times, as well as the bad times. And it couldn't get much worse than this. "Dude, I'm so very sorry", Joey consoled as they walked around the hospital. "This is all my fault", Chandler cracked, as his voice was becoming hoarse and sore.

"No it's not", Joey sternly said, "And if somebody told you it was, they deserve to get their ass kicked" Chandler sighed and said "How else can you figure it? She had the wreck while coming to pick me up at the airport". They sat down and Joey said "Dude, you're messed up right now, and that's understandable. But you also have to understand that this is not your fault". Joey paused and added "What I am going to say may sound coldhearted and cruel, but if this is her time, then it's her time regardless". Chandler cracked a smile and said he had been around Phoebe too long. Joey chuckled and said "I'll be the first to admit I really don't know much, but I do know that Monica loved you and would not want you to blame yourself".

It was about an hour later and everybody was gathered around Monica's bed as Phoebe was talking to her and Ross rolled his eyes in disbelief. "What's your problem", Phoebe snapped at Ross who said "Phoebe, she is in a coma, ok? She can't hear a word you're saying". Joey tries to calm them down, saying everybody is on edge right now. "Just because you don't believe in something, does not mean it's not true", Phoebe retorted to Ross, "You only believe in what you see". Chandler says now is not the time or place to have that discussion and they should be focusing on Monica, and not their petty squabbles.

The doctor came in, checked Monica's vital signs and sadly informed that Monica was getting worse and it would be sooner, rather than later. "But doctors are wrong sometimes", Phoebe said with optimism and the doctor said "Yes, we are sometimes and this is one time I wish I was. I am truly very sorry". Ross asked how long and the doctor said it was hard to say, but would give her 24 hours, at the most. The doctor left and Phoebe said "He's wrong. We know Monica better than anybody else and she'll get better. I know she will"

"Pheebs", Rachel said, "You know the doctor is right". Phoebe shook her head and said "NO HE'S NOT" They all go outside, and Chandler oblivious to the fact that they were gone. In the hallway Rachel hugs Phoebe and softly said "I know how much you love her and we all do. But your denial will not stop her from dying". Phoebe starts to cry and said "But she can't die. She just can't". Rachel pulled Phoebe in a tight embrace and said "Shhhhhh, it's going to be ok".

Joey said he was going to get some coffee and a bite to eat and asked if anybody else wanted to come. Rachel and Ross said they would and Rachel said Chandler should come as well. Phoebe stepped into the room, where Chandler sat next to Monica, holding her hand. "We're all going to get a quick bite to eat and you should come as well", Phoebe said as she placed her hand on Chandler's shoulder. Chandler just shook his head, saying he wasn't very hungry. "You need to eat eventually", Rachel said, "Did you want us to bring something back". Chandler just shook his head, not taking his eyes off of his beloved wife.

After they left, Chandler prayed that Monica would be OK. "Everything that is good about me, is because of her" he prayed as he squeezed her hand. At that very second, Monica's eyes opened and said "Hey sweetie, you look terrible". Chandler leaned over and lightly kissed her lips as they hugged.


	3. Chapter 3

**Saying Goodbye**

"Monica", Chandler asked as he looked in pure astonishment, as she smiled and kissed her husband. Chandler struggled to fight the tears, and smiled and said "The doctor said you'll be just fine". The tears started to pour down her face and said "You are such a liar, Chandler Bing. And I love you for that". Both husband and wife broke down, and hugged and kissed each other. Monica stopped crying and said "I want you to do me a favor". Chandler, still crying said "Anything you want, sweetie".

Monica said "I want you to take care of our son". Chandler said "NO. WE are going to take good care of our son. Not ME but WE. You're going to be fine, honey". Monica smiled that impish smile that Chandler loved and said "Sweetie, it will be ok. I have taught and trained you well". Chandler tried not to cry as he knelt down beside Monica and said "Please Monica, don't make me do this alone. I can't do this alone".

"Alone", Monica asked as she tenderly stroked his face, "Baby, that is one thing you will never, ever be. You have Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, and Joey. They will need you, now more than ever". Chandler says that they needed her, too. Monica smiled and said, "Chandler Bing, I am always with you, right in here" as she points to his heart "And this is not goodbye, but this is I'll see you later" Chandler protested saying she couldn't die "We were going to re-model the house, buy a piano and go horseback riding in the country".

Monica started to cry as well and said "I know, baby. I know. But we don't make the rules". Chandler kissed Monica and whispered "I love you" over and over and Monica smiled at him and said "And I love you too, and not even death will stop that Chandler Bing and if nothing else, know this... I am right by you and will be". And with that, Monica Bing, the soul mate of Chandler Bing drew a deep breath and closed her eyes and was eerily still and silent as an alarm went off.

"Monica", Chandler asked but there was no reply. "MONICA", Chandler shouted trying to shake her. Chandler buried his head next to hers, sobbing and pounding on the bed. Just then, the gang entered the room and Rachel started to sob as she went over to Chandler and just wrapped her arms around him. "She's not hurting any more, honey", she softly whispered. Even Joey, who had always prided himself on being a "man's man" started to cry as well

"I want to thank you for being here, when... when it happened", Ross said. Phoebe had usually made Chandler the target of her jokes and ridicule but was now seeing that he was the strongest of all of them. A person in a white coat came into the room, saying they needed to take Monica but Chandler protested and pleaded with him not to take her as he held on, tightly. "Honey, there's nothing else you can do", Phoebe gently coaxed. "NO I WON'T LEAVE HER", Chandler angrily shot back.

"It's ok", the technician said, "We'll come back". Chandler looked at his wife and said "I don't want to leave you", as he held on to Monica even tighter. They all told their favorite stories about Monica and about an hour later, the technician returns and started to wheel the bed out, but Chandler grabs the handles, not allowing him to leave. Rachel gently pries his fingers away as Chandler watches helplessly as his wife is taken away.

"Sweetie, there isn't anything else that can be done", Rachel said. "C'mon, let's all go back home", Ross suggested. As they were making their way, Joey suggested to Phoebe that Chandler didn't need to be alone right now and thought it would be a good idea for her to stay with him, and she agreed. As they make their way to the parking lot, Chandler turns around and stares at the hospital as Phoebe gently takes his hand and walks him to her taxi, as Ross and Rachel get in their car, and Joey gets in his car and heads to his parents house as Ross and Rachel head back to their apartment.

"Some anniversary, huh", Chandler said and Phoebe nodded and said "I know how much this hurts, honey". They drive to West Chester and a package is on the front steps. Chandler looks at the house. This was Monica's dream house and of all the houses they looked at, she loved this one, the best. Next to their own son, Monica was the most important person in his life. His son was staying with a friend, for the time being.

Chandler opened the package and saw it was a picture from their honeymoon in Paris. The picture was damaged, when there was a water leak and as a gift, Monica had the picture restored and put inside a beautiful frame with the words 'Forever My Soul Mate' etched on the bottom, with hearts on both sides. "I so didn't need to see this right now", he sighed and put the frame back in the box, and tried to fight the tears.

Phoebe walked up to him and hugged him tightly and whispered 'It's ok to cry, Chandler'. Chandler did the best he could to suppress the sobs he could feel welling up, but could not hold them in, any longer and burst out in tears and heavy sobs and Phoebe just held him, letting him cry. To Chandler it seemed to last forever, but eventually the tears subsided and Phoebe asked if Chandler was ok, and he just shrugged and said "Sorry for wrinkling your shirt". Phoebe smiled and said "2 minutes in the dryer and it'll be as good as new".

Chandler stood on the front steps, but could not bring himself to go inside. "I can't", he sighed, "It's just not home anymore. It's not home without Monica". Phoebe nodded, understanding and suggested that he could stay at her apartment, as long as he needed to. "You don't have to do that, Pheebs", Chandler said. "I know I don't HAVE to, Chandler. I want to". They drove back to Phoebe's apartment in New York and she makes a bed for Chandler and said "We need to get some sleep, sweetie". Chandler thanked her as he lay down and Phoebe said "If you need anything at all, let me know. I don't care if it's 2AM, ok". Chandler smiled and said "Thanks, and that goes for you too"


	4. Chapter 4

**Last Words and Dreams**

Rachel woke up in the middle of the night, not really able to sleep. She turned over to find Ross was not in bed and she quietly put on a robe and mad her way to the living room, where Ross was sitting on the sofa, going thru photos of Monica, that was stored in albums. Her heart went out to Ross and she sat next to him and said "This has to be hard for you as well, sweetie". Ross simply shrugged and said "Sometimes things happen, ya know".

Rachel closed the photo album, looked at Ross and said "Honey, you don't have to do this with me". Ross looked at her and said "Do what". Rachel put her arms around Ross and said "You don't have to pretend that you're not upset or that you're not hurting, because I know you have to be. You just lost your sister, and I know your heart has to be breaking". Ross started to cry and said "I can't believe she is actually gone. And the very last thing I told her was to quit bugging me. I didn't even tell her that I loved her... I told her to go away and quit bugging me. What kind of brother am I"? Rachel hugged Ross and said "She knew you loved her, honey. Believe me, she knew you loved her. And you were a great brother"

It was about 2am and Phoebe went to get a drink and check on Chandler. Chandler was already awake, sitting on the sofa with his back turned. He was looking at the photo of their honeymoon, sobbing uncontrollably as Phoebe's heart broke seeing her friend like that. She sat down next to him and Chandler said, with a snarl "I hate you Monica Bing", and threw the picture frame against the wall and buried his head in his hands, crying.

"She left me and abandoned me and I hate her for that", he sobbed. Phoebe just sat there next to Chandler, resting his head on her shoulder, gently rubbing his back, and letting him cry for as long as he needed to. "Sweetie, Monica didn't abandon you. She's right here in your heart and as long as you keep her in your heart, she is never really gone". Chandler sighed and said "I'm sorry and you must think I am some kind of baby". Phoebe shook her head and said "No, I don't and I know I have given you a lot of grief in the past, but to be honest, you are one of the strongest people I have ever know, in all my lives.

"I still can't believe she is actually gone", Chandler said and by that time, Phoebe was crying as well. "I know this hurts so much, and right now you don't think the pain will ever go away. But you have to believe me, the pain will go away". Chandler looked up and asked "When? When does the pain go away? I don't think I can go another second like this". Phoebe held Chandler's hands and said "I'll be honest, the pain will stay for a long time and, but it may never really go away. But over time, it will become less and less and one day you'll look back at Monica and have nothing but happy thoughts. Thoughts that will make you smile and laugh, and that's when you'll know it's better. But until then, we're all here for you, and for each other, no matter how long it takes. We're in this together"

"Listen", Phoebe said, "Why don't you come back there with me". She helped him up and escorted him to the bedroom and Chandler said, "I really do like you, Pheebs. Just not that way". Phoebe laughed and said "No, it's nothing like that. You just don't need to be alone right now". She motioned for Chandler to lie down and wrapped her arms tightly around him and whispered "You're perfectly safe here and nothing will happen to you, so just close your eyes. Everything will be ok" She kept whispering "Everything will be ok", trying to get him to relax and Chandler was finally able to drift off to sleep

Chandler is standing on a white, pristine sandy beach watching as the ocean waves crash against the shore and suddenly sees Monica approach him wearing a stunning dress. It was the very same dress she wore the first night of their honeymoon in Paris. He hugs and kisses her and said "I didn't think I would ever see you again". Monica stepped back, and gazed into his eyes and said "I am always with you, Chandler Bing. Even if you can't see me or hear me, I am always with you

"There are so many things I needed to tell you, so many things I wanted you to know", Chandler said as Monica smiled and put her finger on Chandler's lips and said "I know what's in your heart, and that's all I need to know". Suddenly music begins to play as Monica grabs Chandler's hand and says "Dance with me, just one more time"

**_Over Mountains  
Over Trees  
Over Oceans  
Over Seas  
Across The Desert  
I'll be there_**

In a whisper on the wind  
On the smile of a new friend  
Just think of me  
And I'll be there

"I don't ever want this to end", Chandler confided as they danced across a moonlit beach, "I want this to go on forever". Monica smiled sweetly as she held Chandler close, dancing and said "I don't either sweetie, but there will come a time when we will be together forever, never again to be apart, not even for one second. And we'll both look back and see that we were apart just a very short while"

**_Don't be afraid, oh my love  
I'll be watching you from above  
And I'd give all the world tonight,  
To be with you_**

Because I'm on your side,  
And I still care  
I may have died, But I've gone nowhere  
Just think of me,  
And I'll be there

"What am I supposed to do without you", Chandler asked, "you are my entire life and world". "What am I supposed to do without you, Monica? You are my entire life and world". Monica kissed him and said "You are my whole world too, Chandler. What would you want me to do, if the tables were reversed"? Chandler thought for a moment and said "I would just want you to be happy". Monica looked deep into his eyes and said "Exactly".

"But it's not supposed to be this way, Monica. This is not how it's supposed to end. We're supposed to die, old and gray in our bed, with our kids at our side". Monica smiled as they danced and said, "We don't make the rules, baby. We're just along for the ride"

**_On the edge of a waking dream  
Over Rivers  
Over Streams  
Through Wind and Rain  
I'll be there_**

Across the wide and open sky  
Thousands of miles I'd fly  
To be with you  
I'll be there

Don't be afraid, oh my love  
I'll be watching you from above  
And I'd give all the world tonight,  
To be with you

"No matter what happens and no matter where the road of life may take you, know that I am and always will be by your side", Monica said.

**_Because I'm on your side,  
And I still care  
I may have died, But I've gone nowhere  
Just think of me,  
And I'll be there_**

Just think of me,  
And I'll be there

Monica looks at Chandler and says "It's time for me to go". Chandler started to cry and said "I am going to lose you twice". Monica looked at Chandler, her eyes full of love and said "You'll never lose me, Chandler Bing. Have you not heard a word I have been saying all this time? I am always with you. Always".

**_In the breath of a wind that sighs  
Oh, there's no need to cry  
Just think of me  
And I'll be there_**

Don't be afraid, oh my love  
I'll be watching you from above  
And I'd give all the world tonight,  
To be with you

"Please don't leave me, Monica" Chandler begged. "You'll be fine, honey. I promise you, that you'll be just fine and I am never further away than your heart. Also I want you to do me a favor. The rest of the guys said I was the glue that held everybody together. Well, now you have to be the glue and it's up to you, to keep the others in line. Please keep a special eye on my brother, and tell him I knew he loved me and that I love him, too"

**_Because I'm on your side,  
And I still care  
I may have died, But I've gone nowhere  
Just think of me,  
And I'll be there_**

And before Chandler could say another word, she was gone and he woke up. He wanted to tell Phoebe about the dream, as she believed in that sort of thing, but she was sleeping peacefully and figured she had a long, hard day as well so he would let her sleep. But Chandler not able to sleep for the rest of the night, thinking about Monica and so sad that she was gone, but at the same time thankful that he got to see her again, even if it was only a dream.


	5. Chapter 5

**Missing**

Chandler was tossing and turning, waiting so bad to go back to sleep, just so be could dream about Monica. He was thankful to finally doze off again, when the telephone rang, startling him and causing him to jump. "It's ok, honey", Phoebe comforted as she rubbed his shoulder, "It's just the telephone. Try and go back to sleep". She got up to answer the phone in the living room. "I didn't wake you, did I", Rachel asked. "No, I was already up", Phoebe lied, not wanting Rachel to feel guilty over having been woke up.

"How are you guys doing", Rachel asked and Phoebe sighed and said Chandler wasn't doing very good as she was up with him until 3 or 4 in the morning. "Ross was about the same way", Rachel said. Phoebe went to the other side of the living room, so Chandler couldn't hear and in a low whisper said "Today was their anniversary". There was a pause and Rachel finally said, in a soft, low-key voice "I had forgotten all about that, and we shouldn't bring it up to Chandler"

"Listen", Rachel continued", I just spoke with Joey and I don't know about you, but I'm in no mood to cook and there's a pancake house not far away. Why don't we all go" Chandler came into the living room, and just sat down in a chair, staring at the walls, off in his own world. "Good morning", Phoebe greeted Chandler. "Hey, let me talk with him for a while", Rachel asked as Phoebe handed Chandler the phone, saying Rachel wanted to talk with him

"How are you doing", Rachel asked, her voice full of worry and concern. "I don't know. I don't know if I will ever be ok, ever again", Chandler replied. "I know, honey", Rachel said, "And this will take time, so don't expect too much, too fast. And like Phoebe said, none of us are in this alone". Rachel said they were all going to a Waffle House and Chandler should come as well. "Thanks for the offer, but I'm not too hungry".

"Chandler, I know you haven't had anything to eat since yesterday, and you have got to be starving. So why don't you come? It'll be my treat", Rachel offered. Phoebe sat next to Chandler and said "Let's go, ok". Chandler sighed and said "Fine". About an hour later, and Phoebe and Chandler pull into the Waffle House to find everybody else waiting patiently. "Have you been waiting long", Phoebe asked and Ross said they just got there a few minutes before.

They grab some menus and head for an empty table, as the waiter comes by with water and coffee. Phoebe asks what Chandler is getting, but he just closes the menu, saying he's not really hungry. "You know what", Phoebe said, "I'm not really all that hungry either, so we don't we just split a pancake". A few minutes later and the waiter returns to take their order and after he leaves, Ross looks at Chandler as tears were starting to form in his eyes, and says "We need to talk".

"Ross, let's not talk about that right now", Rachel softly said as he nodded. "What did you want to say", Chandler asked as Rachel held his hand, with tears streaming down her face and said "We'll talk about it when we get back. But right now, let's all eat because we'll need all of our strength and energy to make it thru the rest of the day". The waiter returns with the food as Phoebe placed a pancake on Chandler's plate, but he just picked at it with his fork, and was not eating.

"I really wish you would try and eat", Phoebe said as Rachel nodded in agreement and said "This is not healthy, sweetie. You really need to eat something". Finally Chandler took 2 bites, but said he couldn't eat any more. "Ok", Rachel sighed, "You don't have to eat any more. But later on, you are going to eat". After they eat, they all go back to Phoebe's apartment and gather around the table and Ross said he couldn't even believe what he was able to say, and broke down crying.

Rachel went over to Ross, hugging him and trying to give him words of comfort and support. Ross, still crying said "We need to plan Monica's funeral". Chandler said he didn't want to hear it and got up to go to the next room as Rachel and Phoebe went over to him. Joey got up to come in as well, but Phoebe asked him to stay with Ross while they talked with Chandler. "Sweetie", Rachel said, while crying herself, "We know this is not an easy thing to talk about, but it is something we need to do. And we owe it to her". Chandler nodded, knowing they were right and they go back to discuss the funeral arrangements.

It was later on in the evening as Ross tapped on his watch, saying how late it was and they all said goodbye and went back to their apartment as Chandler made a bed on the sofa and Phoebe tries to tell him that he doesn't need to be alone, and she drags out some blankets and a pillow and makes a bed, right next to Chandler, and both wish each other good night. It was about 3am and Phoebe woke up to find Chandler was no where in sight.

Scared and panicky, she calls Rachel and says "I can't find Chandler anywhere". Rachel was still half-asleep and yawns "The can opener is in the 3rd drawer". Once again Phoebe said "No, not the can opener, I can't find CHANDLER". Now fully awake Rachel said "Oh my God... ok we're on our way over". As she was waiting for Ross and Rachel, she called the police to file a missing person alert, but the Sergeant said that for adults, they had to wait 24 hours before filing a report.

About 15 minutes later and Rachel was frantically pounding on the door. "Ok", Rachel said, "Ross is going to stay here in case he comes back". As they drove around the city Rachel said "Ok, if you were Chandler and wanted to hide out somewhere, where would YOU go". Phoebe shouted "His office" as they drive to Chandler's office, but he was no where in sight. They drove by Central Perk, but since it was the middle of the night it was closed and all the lights were off, with the exception of the hallway light, which always stays on.

Phoebe called the police again, explaining the situation and begged the Sergeant to make an exception. He was sympathetic to Chandler's situation, and said he would have his men look for him and asked questions, such as where he lived, where he was last seen, and other generic questions. He said they would call if they had any leads, and Phoebe thanked him and hung up. They called Ross to let him know the police were also trying to find him as well, and also tried to call Joey, but just got his voice mail. Time wore on and the weather rapidly deteriorated, as a cold and heavy rain began to fall, with fierce icy-cold winds from the North. An ambulance, with flashing lights and wailing sirens started to wail as it zoomed past the taxi, splashing mud and water on the windshield. "We have to find him", Phoebe said, "He's out here somewhere, cold, wet, and alone"


	6. Chapter 6

**You're Not Fine**

Time wore on, and the weather did not let up, as Phoebe and Rachel raced all around the city, going to places Chandler may have been. They called Ross again, only to be told he had not heard from Chandler, and they called Joey again, only to get his voice mail, and left a message. "He must be asleep", Rachel rationalized. As they turned to a corner, Rachel saw a billboard, advertising a new housing complex and the caption read "Welcome Home".

"Oh God, Rachel said as a tear trickled down her face, "I know where he is at". They drive to West Chester and as they approach the house, and see Chandler leaning on the door, drenched and shivering, holding a half-empty bottle of whiskey. "Hey", Chandler said, "Welcome to the party". Phoebe runs out to her car and grabs a blanket, which she wrapped Chandler up in as Rachel takes the bottle and Chandler says "Happy Anniversary". Rachel proceeds to empty the remaining contents of the bottle down a sewage drain as a police car pulls up, with flashing lights as an officer gets out, and cautiously approaches.

"Good evening, is everything OK here", the officer asks. Rachel explained what had happened as the officer got on the radio to tell the Sergeant, that Chandler had been found and appeared to be ok. The officer gives Chandler a stern lecture on the dangers of walking around at night, and not telling anybody where he is. After the police officer left, Rachel hugged Chandler and said firmly, but gently "Don't you EVER do that again. We were running around trying to find you, and we didn't know if something had happened to you.

Phoebe asked why Chandler came here, and he said he didn't know. "Sweetie, I think you do know why. You were hoping Monica would be here, right". Chandler sighed and nodded and said that he could not bring himself to open the door, and he slid to the ground, crying as both Rachel and Phoebe knelt by him, hugging him and helping him up. "She had no right to leave me", Chandler sobbed, "And now I don't have anybody"

"You have us, honey", Rachel softly comforted as Chandler nodded. "You couldn't bring yourself to open the door, because deep inside you know Monica would not be inside". Phoebe said. "You're right, and I am sorry that I put everybody thru this", Chandler said as Rachel interrupted him saying "You don't have anything to be sorry for. Like I said, we need each other right now, so don't apologize. Not now, not ever". Chandler fumbled for the keys to open the door as Phoebe said "You don't have to go in. If it's still too soon, we understand"

A few hours pass as Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are talking in the living room, at the house. "I'm sorry that I worried everybody", Chandler said. Rachel smiled and said "That's ok, sweetie. Just don't do it again. Phoebe hands Chandler and Rachel some coffee and Chandler asks "How does Ross do it? I mean he just lost his sister and acts like nothing happened. I can't even think about her, without going out of my mind"

"Oh, honey", Rachel said, "Believe me, Ross tries to hide his emotions, but he falls apart when he thinks nobody's around to see". Phoebe noticed a pair of running shoes in the middle of the living room and said "Monica would be freaking out, if she saw those just thrown on the floor". A tear drop escaped Chandler's eyes and said they were Monica's shoes. "Oh sweetie, I am so sorry", Phoebe said, feeling horrible and guilty as Chandler told her there was no reason to feel guilty.

Phoebe's cell phone rang and she spoke with Joey for a few minutes before giving the phone to Chandler, saying Joey wanted to speak with him. "What the hell is wrong with you, dude", Joey scolded, "You can't just leave in the middle of the night like that. Do you know you had all of us worried sick? Do you know how dangerous and stupid that was? I mean, if something happened to you..." Joey started to cry as Chandler apologized, saying he just had a lot on his mind, and just had to get away and sort things out, in his head. "I'm sorry, man", Joey apologized, "I know you have a lot on your mind, but running away is not the answer. I just want my best friend to be ok".

Joey said he wanted to speak with Rachel for a while and as he handed the phone to her, Phoebe suggested Chandler would feel better after a long, hot shower. As they talk Chandler got a shower and about 30 minutes later, Rachel was going to check on him, and heard sounds from the bedroom. She quietly enters the darkened room, flips the lights on, and sees Chandler, sitting at the foot of the bed, tears streaming down his face.

Chandler immediately turned around and tried to fight the tears. Rachel sat next to him, wrapped her arms around him, and said "It's ok to cry, and you know that Chandler Bing". They sat there for a few minutes trying to comfort each other and Rachel asked "Do you feel better now". Chandler shrugged and said "I guess" and Rachel smiled and said "And you will, in time". Rachel and Chandler made their way to the living room, as Phoebe was already sleeping on a cot.

"Listen", Chandler started, "I really appreciate everything you guys are doing, but I would rather just be alone tonight". Rachel sat him down on the sofa and said "No, honey. You don't need to be alone right now" Chandler asked what about Ross, and Rachel said Joey was on his way over to their apartment, to be with him. Chandler says that he is ok, and Rachel shakes her head and says "No you're not. You leave in the middle of the night, not telling anybody where you are, and when we find you, you're holding a half-empty bottle of whiskey. Sweetie, I love you, but you're not ok, not even close. And until we think otherwise, we're keeping an eye on you. And we're doing this because we love you, and care about you" Chandler just stood at the door to the bedroom, saying he couldn't sleep in the bedroom, knowing Monica was not there.

Rachel grabbed a blanket and some pillows from the linen closet and made a bed for Chandler, next to her on the floor. Chandler sighed and Phoebe said "You may as well get used to it, because until we feel we can trust you, we're keeping our eye on you". Chandler chuckled and said "Thanks, guys" as he had the best night sleep that he had since coming back to New York


	7. Chapter 7

**Funeral For a Friend**

Chandler was lying down on the sofa, with the blanket pulled firmly over his head, and wished it never came. He felt somebody sit next to him on the sofa, gently shaking him as he heard Rachel's voice gently whisper "It's time to get up". It was four days since Chandler got back from Tulsa and to say these were the worst four days of his life, would be a severe understatement. There had been a constant stream of well-wishers from Chandler's office and from the restaurant where Monica worked, who stopped by with cards, flowers, and food. Chandler knew they meant well, but he just wished the whole world would just leave him alone.

Chandler just lay there for a few more minutes, not wanting to face the day, not wanting to have to say goodbye to his best friend and wife. About 5 minutes passed as Rachel pulls the blanket off of his head, looks at him sympathetically and says "Sweetie, we really do need to get up". Chandler sat up, as Ross and Joey was already there, eating in the dining room as Phoebe was getting dressed. "Ready for breakfast", Rachel asked as Chandler just shook his head, saying he didn't feel like eating.

"No", Rachel said firmly, "You have not had anything to eat since getting back and you're going to eat. Now, I will fix you whatever you want, but you are going to eat something" Chandler reached for box of oatmeal, and Rachel says she will fix it, while he goes and gets ready. There was a knock on the door and Chandler groaned, "If one more person tells me how sorry they are..." Rachel said she would get the door as Chandler goes to get dressed.

Rachel answers the door and invites Ursula in, who is holding Chandler's son. Ever since Monica died, it made Ursula see just how short life really is, and said she really wanted to be Phoebe's sister again, instead of rivals. Phoebe and Ursula hug and Ursula said "He will never know his mother" and Ross piped in and said "Not if we have anything to say about it. We'll make sure he knows all about her". Phoebe and Ursula join Ross and Joey at the table, drinking juice and eating some toast.

About 20 minutes had passed, and Chandler was still getting dressed, trying to fidget with a tie, but was having hard time getting it adjusted. It was a tie that Monica got for his last birthday, saying it really brought out the color in his eyes. Rachel knocked gently, asking if she could come in. Frustrated, Chandler yanked the tie off and threw it on the floor and sat down on the bed. "I don't have to wear that damned thing do I", he asked as Rachel picked up the tie, placing it on the dresser.

"Not if you don't want to", she said as she sat down next to Chandler. "Never is my darkest nightmare did I ever dream of this", Chandler said as Rachel put her arm around him, trying to give him some degree of comfort and peace. "I know, honey. I know", she softly said. Chandler picked up the tie and with Rachel's help, was able to put it on. "Come on, your oatmeal is getting cold", she said as they enter the living room. Chandler smiles for the first time in days, watching his son, happily play in his crib. Ursula goes over, hugs Chandler and tells him how sorry she is, as they all go to the dining room table.

About an hour passes as Ross informs everybody it was time to leave. Ross, Rachel and Joey head for Ross' car, as Phoebe, Ursula, Chandler, who is holding his son, all pile into Phoebe's taxi as Chandler gets in the back, but Phoebe suggest that he ride up front. They arrive at the funeral house as the director guides them to a room and Chandler freezes at the entryway, staring at the casket, not able to go inside. "I can't", he said as he handed his son to Ursula and darts out of the building as Phoebe followed after him.

Ross, Rachel, and Joey arrive, as they go in and find Ursula who said Phoebe went to be with Chandler. They all nodded and went inside, and stand at the casket, looking at Monica as Ross tightly squeezed Rachel's hand. "They did a good job", Rachel softly commented, as you could never tell Monica had been in a serious car accident. Ross nodded, as tears rolled down his face, as Rachel hugged him, as they said goodbye, and walked out, as Joey was still standing at the casket, talking to Monica, saying what only she and God can hear.

Chandler and Phoebe returned, about 15 minutes later, and Chandler stood at the doorway, as Joey was coming out, wiping the tears from his eyes. He looked back and Phoebe nodded and said "Go on, it'll be ok". Chandler took a deep breath and slowly approached the casket that held his wife, and breaks down sobbing as he kissed her, and knelt down, with heavy sobs. Rachel gets some tissues from her purse and was about to go to Chandler, when Phoebe grabs Rachel's hand, saying to give Chandler some time alone with Monica. "He'll be ok", Phoebe said as she returned with the others as she caught somebody approach from the corner of her eye.

"Richard", Rachel exclaimed, hugging him, "Thank you so much for coming". They all made small talk as Richard glances and sees Chandler still talking with Monica. He sighed as he went and stood next to Chandler, placing some flowers on a table and said "I don't know if this means anything, or if it's any consolation, but you were able to give her everything I couldn't", he paused and said with a smile "She chose the better man". Chandler thanked Richard for coming as they shook hands and stood there, looking at Monica. Even in death, she never looked more beautiful and radiant, as Richard left, to join the others, he could feel a presence in the room and caught a scent of Monica's favorite perfume. He felt somebody put their arm around him, but when he turned around, nobody was there and heard a voice, as clear as day say "I am always with you".

It was a few hours later, as graveside service was already underway. It was a beautiful day as there was not a cloud in the sky, the silence interrupted by the chirping and singing of birds, in a nearby tree. It was a stark contrast to how everybody was feeling, on the inside. Chandler got up, and went to the podium to say a few words, as he glanced and could see that so many people had come to pay their last respect, and was standing-room only. Even though he knew just how special and wonderful she was, he had no idea that she had touched so many people, and for the first time in his life, he was at a total loss of words, and didn't know what he was supposed to say. He could only think of Monica and a life cut so very and tragically short. Chandler fumbled in his pocket for notes he had been preparing, trying to remain strong and steady for his friends.

Ross and Rachel, who were holding their only child, Chandler Jr sat at the front row, and Phoebe, Joey, and Richard were sitting a few rows back. Phoebe couldn't even begin to imagine what Chandler was going thru, and more than anything, just wanted to hug him and let him know everything would be OK, but right now, she had a hard time believe that, herself. Joey kept thinking about how empty their house will be without Monica and how he will miss her constant nagging about putting his soda on a coaster.

Ross kept thinking about how she used to annoy him when they were kids, but now would give up everything he loved, just for 5 more minutes with his sister. Rachel thought about how Monica took her in, and gave her a place to live and thought of everything she had, was because of her. She was the one who listened to her concerns, and when she was just complaining. She was the one who inspired her confidence and because of that confidence, she was VP of Ralph Lauren. She couldn't help but think none of that would have been possible had it not been for Monica

Chandler could not help but think how so little time Monica was with them, and how they planned a romantic vacation in Vermont, but something kept getting in the way. Now he realizes just how short life is, and should not be taken for granted and thought of all the things he wanted to say to Monica. "How do you describe a person like Monica? Mere words can never do her justice, as she was so many things to so many people. She was a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend. She touched so many people, and we are lucky to have known her, and our world is just a little bit better, because of her. I also can't help but thinking that how our lives will be empty without her. But knowing Monica, she would not want us to dwell on her passing, but to celebrate her life, which is why we are gathered here today. So let us not be sad that she was taken, but be thankful that she was given to us"

Chandler returned to his seat as Rachel was crying, leaned in and whispered "That was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard". After the services were finished, it was just Ross, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey who were still there. "Can you guys give me a few minutes", Chandler asked as Rachel smiled, put her hand on Chandler's shoulder and said "We'll leave when you're ready, and not one minute sooner". They all stepped away, to give Chandler some privacy as he went over to the casket, sighed and saidm "Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but knowing you are still with me, will make it easier". He leaned down, kissed the casket and in a whisper said "Goodbye my soul mate" before rejoining the others, as they get into their cars and slowly drive away.


	8. Chapter 8

**Welcome to My Life**

Summary: The gang tries to pick up their lives and move on, after the death of Monica. Ross and Rachel are married, Phoebe and Ursula have reconnected and have been acting like sisters, again. Chandler is struggling to raise their son without his wife. Joey is an actor and after years of struggling has finally made "the big time" and is one of the most popular and famous actors in Hollywood. He lives in a mansion with Gina and Michael in Beverly Hills.

**I'm doing this for Monica**

Chandler stands at Monica's grave, holding a vase of flowers in one hand and his son in the other hand. It's been a few days since the funeral and he places the flowers on the grave, looking up, certain that Monica was smiling down at them. He stands there for a few more minutes. Ever since the funeral, Chandler spends the majority of his time at the grave. He was lost in his own thoughts, and didn't even see Ursula and Phoebe approach. "Chan" Ursula said, "we're going to meet the others for lunch, then we're taking Joey back to the airport". Chandler nodded "Right", completely forgetting they were on a schedule and followed them to the taxi. They arrive at the restaurant, and enter to find the others already waiting.

The baby starts to cry, and Chandler tried to give a bottle to him, but he wouldn't take it. "Monica was so great at this", he sighed as he tried again. "Here let me try", Ursula offered as Chandler handed the baby to her and watched in amazement as she was able to give him the bottle, without as much as a fuss. "I guess I have a way with kids", she said with a smile. About 15 minutes later, the waiter approaches, apologizing for the delays, saying they were under-staffed. He shows them to a table and provides menus, saying he'll give them a few minutes. The waiter goes to greet some guests who have arrived as the gang looks at the menus, decided what to order, as they talk amongst themselves

"It's so great to see you two getting along so well", Rachel said to Phoebe and Ursula. "I know", Phoebe replied with excitement, "It's like we're sisters, or something". Ross just stared at her and said "Uh, Pheebs, you ARE sisters" Phoebe asked if he wanted to sleep at her apartment, or if he wanted her to stay at his house and Chandler said 'Thanks for the offer, and I love you guys and appreciate everything you have done, but I'll be fine" Rachel shakes her head and said "Chandler, I still think somebody should be with you. You still don't need to be alone, sweetie".

"I'm not alone, I have my son and besides you guys have your own lives to life, as well", he said. Rachel said the offer was still open, and that he could call her, any time day or night. Both Phoebe and Ursula also said Chandler could call them, day or night as well. "Chandler will be fine", Joey said, full of confidence, "He's the kind of guy that when life throws him a curve ball, he'll still turn it into a home run... and you can call me anytime, too". The waiter returns with drinks and to take their food order, and about 10 minutes later, returns with tray of food

Everybody is glad to see Chandler finally eat, as there is not even a grain of food remaining on his plate. About 15 minutes later, the waiter returns with the checks, but Rachel snatches Chandler's check from his hand, saying she'll take care of it. Chandler protested, saying how much he hated charity as he tried to take the check back, but Rachel said it wasn't charity. "I can't believe your in the next Die Hard movie", Chandler exclaimed to Joey. "Yeah, I'm playing a renegade cop, trying to stop a nuclear bomb" Joey takes a sip of soda and said "Oh, that reminds me, I have something from a friend, for you". Joey hands Chandler an envelope and inside there was a sympathy card as Chandler read it out loud "May you find the strength and comfort you need in this hour", and Chandler eyes grew wide as he read on "Respectfully, Bruce Willis" Joey continued. "When Bruce found out what had happened, he personally went to the head honchos at the studio and asked to post-phone shooting, so I could come here and be with you guys". Ross tapped on his watch and said they needed to get to the airport. Ross and Rachel head to their car and everybody else piles into Phoebe's taxi. They all arrive at the airport and help Joey carry his luggage as he check in with the gate agent

"I guess this is it", Joey said as each one hugged him, and Joey tightly hugged Chandler and said "Don't be such a stranger dude. You're welcome to come down whenever you'd like and Gina and Michael are always asking when they get to meet you". They watch as Joey boards the airplane, and a few minutes later, the airplane is slowly being taxied from the gate, onto the runway. They watch as the plane gathers speed and takes off, and keep watching until the airplane is just a small speck on the horizon, before disappearing completely. Chandler and Rachel go back to Chandler's apartment as everybody else goes back home. Rachel opens the refrigerator and sees that it is almost empty and says she is taking Chandler shopping and asked what he could cook and with his classic sarcasm said "I am like Charlie Brown. I can't even make toast". Rachel said she will teach Chandler how to cook, saying that he cannot live on just cereal and sandwiches for the rest of his life and Chandler said he didn't even know how to turn on the oven, much less anything else and Rachel told him not to worry, as they will start off small and work up from there.

Chandler opens an letter and inside there is a notice, saying his mortgage is pass due and has 30 days to pay it, or face foreclosure. Chandler sighed as Rachel caught a glimpse of the letter and asked what Chandler was going to do. Chandler said he was going to go back to work the next day. "Sit down, honey", Rachel said as they both sat down on the sofa, "You're not ready to go back to work just yet. You have been thru so much and need to give yourself a chance to grieve and heal" Rachel got out her checkbook, saying she wanted to help out.

"You know I don't take charity", Chandler said in protest. "I know, and this is not charity", Rachel replied. "Yes it is", Chandler retorted, "Call it pride or whatever the hell you want, but if I can't make it on my own, I don't want to make it at all". Rachel rolled her eyes and said "My God, you are just totally conceited and full of yourself. I know you can make it on your own and you have done a damned good job of that. But this is not about you, I'm doing this for Monica". Rachel wrote the check, told Chandler to take it and she didn't want to hear another word about it. Rachel said on the way to the grocery store they will drop off the check at the apartment management, and also said she wanted Chandler to get a leave of absence from work. Chandler said he needed to get back to reality and Rachel told him that dealing with his grief would be all the reality he could handle right now, and he needed to make that his main focus. Chandler picks up Chandler Jr., thanks Rachel for all of her help and they leave for the store.

Ross and Phoebe are at his apartment, talking. "Man, what a week", Phoebe said and Ross, with a smirk says "That's the understatement of the year". As they sit down on the sofa, Phoebe asks if Ross was OK, and if he wanted to talk. Ross shook his head, saying he was ok. "It's good to talk, honey", Phoebe offered, "I have spent so much time with Chandler, that I didn't even stop to think if you were ok". Ross said he was just fine, and there was no need to worry or be concerned. Phoebe sighed, not convinced and said "Ok, I don't want to push or press you. But if you ever do want to talk, I am always available. I told Chandler he could call me any time day or night, and that goes for you too. You know that, right"?

Tears started to form in Ross' eyes and he turns away, not wanting Phoebe to see him cry, but he bursts out sobbing. Phoebe goes over to him and tries to give him a hug, but he walks away. Phoebe goes over to him, and embraces him tightly as he cries. "It's not fair, dammit" Phoebe tries to console him as best as she can, and says "You're right, honey, it's not fair A few minutes pass and Ross stops crying and sit back down on the sofa as Phoebe said "I want you to do me a favor, ok. And I would not ask this of you if I didn't care about you so much". Ross nodded as Phoebe continued, "The next time somebody asks if you're ok, tell them the truth. We're all friends and will help each other thru this, ok"? Ross wipes his eyes on his sleeve and nods.

Rachel and Chandler arrive at the store and put Chandler Jr. in a stroller as they walk the aisle. "Ohhh", Chandler exclaims, "They have a sale on cup-of-soup". Rachel frowns and says "No, we need to get some real food. You can't live your entire life on that stuff. You need to learn how to cook real food". Chandler rolled his eyes and said "Monica is a great cook and"... Chandler froze, not believing what he just said. "Sweetie, are you ok", Rachel said with tears in her eyes. Chandler doesn't respond for a few seconds, but finally nods. "You really need to learn how to take care of yourself and your son, now more than ever", Rachel said. Chandler nodded and said "You're right".  
Back at Chandler's apartment, Rachel is showing Chandler how to cook steak. "That looks easy", Chandler says. "It really is. Here you try", she says, handing him a piece of steak. Chandler puts the steak in the pan, and with Rachel's supervision, he is able to cook it. "See", Rachel said smiling, "You CAN cook. You just never had to before". Chandler smiled as they set the table and poured some wine.

"Reality sucks, doesn't it", Chandler said as they were eating. "Yeah it does", Rachel said. Chandler nodded and said "But we have to face reality, and running away or hiding from it will not make it go away". Rachel smiled, proud of how much Chandler had grown over the week and said "That's right, but we're lucky in the fact that we don't have to face that reality alone. We all have each other to lean on and support.

Chandler Jr. starts to cry and Rachel asks if she wants to try and feed him. Chandler gets the bottle and says "No, I have to try". He goes over and after some coaxing, is able to give the bottle to him. "Look at that", Chandler said to Rachel, "He never let me feed him before". Rachel smiled as she watched Chandler and his son. Chandler laid him back down in his crib and went back to the table. Rachel turns to Chandler "Are you sure you don't want somebody to stay with you? The offer still stands, you know". Chandler smiled and said, "I really appreciate the offer Rach, but like I said earlier, you guys have your own lives too". Rachel replies, "Sweetie, with everything you have been thru, you don't need to be alone, ok. So let me or Phoebe stay with you, just for a few days, ok"?

Chandler smiles and says "Trust me, I am doing better. I'm not going to do anything stupid like wander the streets of New York at 3am". Rachel smiled as she hugged Chandler and said "You really freaked us out that night". Chandler apologized saying that he freaked himself out too, but tried to assure Rachel that he was passed that point. Rachel said "Ok, well I need to go and Chandler promise me one thing, and I mean this. If you need anything, and I mean anything, please call me. I don't care what time of day or night. OK"?

Chandler and Rachel hug and then she leaves and Chandler goes to bed, but spends the night tossing and turning and was unable to sleep and keeps thinking he hears noises in the living room, but when he goes to investigate, nobody is there. When he returns to the bedroom, he notices the picture of him and Monica on the dresser, but he does not remember putting it there. He lays back down and no sooner closes and falls asleep and has a dream about Monica having a wreck on the highway, and hears her screams and wakes up in a cold sweat, and breaks down crying.

He walks to the living room, and picks up the phone, but puts it back down again and walks back to the bedroom when the phone starts to ring. He cautiously answers the phone and Phoebe was on the other end and asks if he was OK, because she was sensing that he was not. Chandler tells her about the dream, and Phoebe said she didn't want Chandler to be alone and despite his protest, said she was on her way over.


	9. Chapter 9

**Putting Away The Joke Book**

Chandler hung up the phone and just sat down on the sofa, and never in his entire life did he feel so lost. Every second, felt like it was harder than the one before and he didn't know how he could possibly go on any longer. About 30 minutes later, and there was a light knock on the door, as Chandler opens the door and sees Phoebe with tears streaming down her face. Phoebe hugs him tightly as Chandler apologizes. Phoebe looked at Chandler and said "Chandler, you have nothing to be sorry for. Remember what we said? Don't apologize, not now, not ever. We need each other, right now".

They go back inside the apartment, as Chandler makes a pot of coffee and Phoebe said "You said you were ok, but I knew you weren't. I love you sweetie, but you're not that good of a liar". Chandler poured some coffee as Phoebe continued "You're just like Ross, and you both try to hide your feelings". Chandler chuckled and said "You're comparing me with Ross? That's just mean". Phoebe threw her hands in the air and said "Don't you see, that's exactly what I am talking about... you try to use humor to dodge the real issue"

"What do you want me to do", Chandler sighed as Phoebe went over to where he was standing, held his hand and looked him square in the eye and said "I want you to be honest about what you're feeling. Did you know that Ross cried today? He was allowing himself to be honest". Chandler chuckled and said "The last time I saw Ross cry is when he missed a show about dinosaurs"... Phoebe interrupted him, gently saying "Don't do this, sweetie. I know how much your hurting, right now and it's ok to let your guard down once in a while. Why don't we put away the joke book, honey".

Chandler sat down on the edge of the sofa, as Phoebe sat next to him. A tear fell from his face and he said "I miss her so much". Phoebe nodded and said "Oh, I know you do. But one day, you'll be able to look back and only see the good times... the happy times. And it will take a while to get there, but we will. We all will". As they drink some coffee, Phoebe suggested they all go to consoling, and Chandler smirked and in his trademark sarcasm said "A shrink? That's who you talk to when your nuts".

"No, it's not like that at all", Phoebe said, "Sometimes it just helps to get another perspective and there's nothing wrong with that, and I think it will really help the healing process". Chandler just said it was weird talking to a total stranger and Phoebe admitted that at first it would be, but over time, it would not seem as strange. Phoebe and Chandler talk well into the early morning and he slowly falls asleep as Phoebe gently covers him with a blanket, before making a bed for herself on the other sofa, turning off the light and going to sleep.

The first rays of morning light started to penetrate the living room, as Phoebe was already awake, just laying there watching Chandler sleep, wishing there was more she could do for him. The baby started to cry as Chandler groggily woke up as Phoebe said "Go back to sleep, I'll take care of it" as she went over to the crib and picked up the baby and walked over to the kitchen to prepare some formula. "How are you doing sweetie", Phoebe asked the baby as she was preparing the formula. She continued to talk to the baby as she was feeding him, then gently laid him back down in the crib, as Chandler was slowly waking up.

"Thanks for coming over", he said as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Phoebe smiled and said "I told you that you that I was here for you day or night, and I meant that". Chandler went to wash his face as Phoebe said "And I also meant it when I said it would be a good idea to talk to somebody". She knew that was not going to be easy, as it was hard enough for Chandler to open up to them, much less anybody else. "You know I'm not any good at that", Chandler complained and Phoebe said she understood, but also Chandler had to understand that it needed to be done. Phoebe reached for the phone and spoke with Rachel, then called her sister Ursula.

"Ok, so let's get dressed and we're going to Ross and Rachel's for breakfast and my sister will stay here with the baby", Phoebe informed. A while later Ursula arrived as Phoebe and Chandler head for The Village, and go to Ross and Rachel's apartment as they all sit down at the table, eating and talking. "I told Chandler that it would really help if we all talked with a professional", Phoebe said. Rachel nodded and said "I have to agree with her, Chandler. I think it would be a great idea".

Chandler said he wasn't good at that kind of thing, and Rachel asked why would that be any different than talking to any of them. "I kept telling him that it will help to get another perspective on everything". Rachel nodded and said "It really will, and I know this will be hard, but this is something we should do, and maybe we can do this as a group session, so nobody has to do it alone". It took some encouraging, but finally Chandler agreed as Rachel called a therapist she knew and made an appointment, in two more days


	10. Chapter 10

**Therapy**

A few days have passed, and Rachel insisted that Chandler spend the night at their apartment, so they could all leave together, for therapy. "Do we really need to go to therapy", Chandler asked as they gathered at the dining table, and Phoebe said, as she poured another cup of coffee "Yes, we really need to go". Rachel sat down next to Chandler and tried to explain to him that therapy would be good for all of them, as they needed to start the healing process. As they were having breakfast the telephone began to ring as Rachel went to answer it, in the living room and spoke with Joey, and a few minutes later, handed the phone to Chandler.

"Hey dude", Joey said on the other end, "I just haven't talked to you guys since a few days ago and just wondered how everybody was holding up". Chandler said they were getting ready to go to a therapy session and Joey said "That sounds like a good idea, dude". Chandler said it was hard enough talking about this to his closest friends, much less a complete stranger. There was a pause and Joey said, "If this is what it takes to get passed all of this, then this is what needs to be done. You know we all love you, but there is only so much that we can do and you need to try and meet us half way. And I know that Monica would want you to move on, as well"

In the background Rachel is saying for Chandler to hurry, as they need to leave. "You need to run", Joey said to Chandler and they said goodbye. They leave the apartment and pile into Phoebe's taxi as Chandler sits in the back, not looking forward to where they were going and wished that something, anything would happen that would prevent them from going. He knew that the others were right, and he needed to find a way to deal with everything, but for Chandler, especially for Chandler, it was easier said than done. Phoebe had told him that this would be a group therapy, so at least he knew that he would not be there, all alone. Much to Chandler's dismay, about an hour later, they pull to a rather un-assuming building on the other end of the city as they all get out and head for the lobby.

They wait in the lobby and a few minutes later and a middle-aged gentleman wearing a shirt and tie, and wire-frame glasses approaches the group and introduces himself as Dr. Hart. He lead them to a large conference room and said that during the first session, he usually liked to talk to his patients one-on-one. Chandler stood up, looked at Phoebe and said "You told me this would be a group thing". Dr. Hart said that it is a group therapy session, but for the first time, wanted to speak with everybody individually. "I'm sorry, I can't do this", Chandler said as he got up and walked out and Phoebe followed after him, catching up with him in the parking lot.

"What's wrong", Phoebe said, already knowing the answer, but wanted to hear him say it. "I can't do this", Chandler sighed, "I was never good at this kind of thing". Phoebe tried to tell him that it was not as bad as he built it up to be, in his mind. "It's not just that", Chandler continued, "It's hard enough to talk about this kind of stuff with you guys" Phoebe nodded and said "I know it's hard, but this is something we all have to do". Chandler nodded and as they walked back inside Phoebe asked if he wanted to get some ice cream, after they all finish. Chandler chuckled and asked if he could get a double-scoop and Phoebe said "You got it". As they return to the others, Dr. Hart was patiently waiting and said "Chandler, I'd like to speak with you first". Chandler turned to look at the others as Phoebe nodded and softly said "Go on, it'll be ok".

Chandler follows Dr. Hart to his office, which is bright and colorful with pictures and paintings on the wall, as well as chairs and a leather sofa. "Should I sit or lie down", Chandler joked as Dr. Hart settled down at his desk, chuckled and said "Whatever makes you more comfortable, Chandler". As Chandler sat down on the sofa, Dr. Hart took out a pen and paper and made some notes. "So", Chandler said, "What'd you want to talk about". Dr. Hart replied as he made some more notes "Whatever you'd like to talk about". Chandler tried to dodge the issue and started to ramble about books he had read, and movies he had seen. Dr. Hart let him talk, making some notes and when he was able to get a word in, he said "So, it sounds like you've been keeping pretty busy. How have you been the past week? I understand you've had a pretty tough week"

Chandler stared at the walls, and does not say a word as Dr Hart said "Whatever you tell me, will not leave this room" Chandler still does not respond and the doctor asks "Are you angry, Chandler"? Chandler shakes his head and says he wasn't angry any more. "Anymore?", Dr. Hart said, "So you were angry? Why don't we talk about that. What were you angry about"? Chandler tries to fight the tears as Dr. Hart handed him some tissues. "I was angry at my wife", Chandler said as he wiped his eyes. Dr. Hart made some brief notes on his tablet and said "Why were you angry at your wife, Chandler"? Chandler took a deep breath and paused for a few seconds and said "She died last week". Dr. Hart looked up from his notes and said "I'm so sorry to hear that, Chandler". Chandler broke down and started to cry and said "I hated her for leaving me alone and I hated myself".

"Why were you angry with yourself", Dr. Hart asked. Chandler regained his composure and said "I was working in Tulsa a few days a week, and Monica begged me not to take the job, and she was on her way to the airport to pick me up, when she had an accident and she...". Chandler could not bring himself to finish the sentence and after a few moments, Dr. Hart spoke and said "I want you to know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal and rational. What you are experiencing is often referred to as Survivor Guilt, which is often what happens when somebody very close is taken and the others wonder if they could have done something differently to prevent it. And while that is a very common trait, you do need to understand that you are not at fault here. I know that you are very confused right now and looking for answers, and we'll look for the answers together"

After all of the sessions were done, Dr. Hart approached the group and said "I think we made some great progress today, and starting next week we will be having the group therapy session. When I talked with some of you, I got the impression that there were things you wanted to say to Monica, so for this week, I will be giving you an assignment". Chandler looked up and said "Homework"?

Dr. Hart chuckled and said "In a sense, yes". Chandler rolled his eyes and said "Dammit, but I wanted to hang out with the guys" Rachel flashed Chandler a glare and shook her head. Chandler took the hint and remained quiet as Dr. Hart continued and said "What I would like each of you to do is write a letter to Monica. It doesn't have to be anything long or fancy" Ross asked what they were supposed to write and Dr. Hart suggested they just write from the heart

They leave the office and drive to an ice cream parlor and Chandler gets his triple scoop. After they eat the ice cream, they all go back home and Chandler goes over to the sofa and turns on the TV, but Rachel yanks the remote control out of his hand and says "No. You need to start that letter, no matter how hard or painful it is, and I need to start mine". Ursula was putting Chandler Jr. back in the crib and said "What letter"?

Rachel replied that Dr. Hart wanted each of them to write a letter to Monica and asked if she could trust Chandler to work on the letter and said he owed it to Monica. Chandler sighed and said he would work on it. "Sweetie", Rachel said as she hugged him", "I am so sorry I snapped at you just now. I just want so bad for all of us to move past this, no matter how hard or how much it hurts inside".

Rachel and Ursula left as Chandler took some paper and a pen and put the photo of him and Monica in front of him for inspiration and began to write

Chandler's Letter: My sweetest Monica, ever since the first day I met you, I knew we were destined to be together. Even when you told me that I was not boyfriend material, I knew we were destined to be together. I never believed in destiny until I met you and that's when I knew we were destined to be together. I never believed in love at first sight until I met you, and I knew we were destined to be together. And even when other people said we would never make it, I knew we were destined to be together. They say love hurts and now I know exactly what they mean. You were the key that opened my world and I don't know how to function without you. Being without you for just one minute, is one minute too long. But I know that I will see you again. We're destined to be together

Rachel's Letter: Monica, everything that's good in my life is because of you. It was you who took in a selfish, spoiled brat, and gave her a home, love, and confidence. You were there to pick me up when I fell and taught me things like loyalty and friendship, which I will carry with me the rest of my life. I don't know where I would be or who I would be if you were not there. For the first time I can look myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am and what I have done and all of that is because of you. And because of the encouragement and confidence you have inspired in me, you have convinced me that I should follow my heart and never settle for second best. None of this would have been possible without you and will always treasure our friendship and you will forever have a place in my heart.

Phoebe's Letter: Monica, I know you're with us and I know you're going to come and visit, but it's just not the same. I am going to miss watching you freak out over bread crumbs on the floor or drinks without coasters, but more than that, I am going to miss you. You gave of yourself so unselfishly and that always amazed me, and I know that you're in a better world, but cannot help feel how our world is smaller, because you are no longer here.

Ross's Letter: Monica, you were the best sister a guy could have. I used to pick on you when we were kids, yet when I needed help, you were always right there. The last time we spoke, I never got the chance to say I love you, so I'll say it now. I love you Monica and could not be prouder of you and I will miss you more than you will ever know and tell Mom and Dad that I said Hi.


	11. Chapter 11

**Runaway Train**

It was three weeks to the day since Monica was taken, as Chandler was sitting on the sofa and couldn't seem to stop crying. Chandler knew that his friends loved him and wanted nothing more than to help him, but it wasn't the same. He couldn't live without Monica, without her embrace, her kiss, and the touch of her skin. He even missed the way she would nag him about crumbs or using a coaster for his drink. He reached for the phone, as he didn't really feel like being alone. But he figured the hour was late and even though they told him to call any time, as of late he began to feel like he was a burden to his friends, as they had their own grief to deal with.

Life was just not worth living anymore and he just wanted to end it all, just so he could be with his beloved wife. He figured if he could not be with her in life, at least he could be with her in death. He walked over to the crib as he son was sleeping peacefully, and Chandler knew that if it was not for him, he would have already ended everything, and that thought scared him more than anything else. He remembered that when he started working in Tulsa, he made Monica get a gun and practice at a local shooting range. Although Chandler hated guns very much, he hated the thought of Monica being alone without protection, even more. He went to the bedroom, and opened the closet door and retrieved a small box that was on the very top shelf, and sat down on the bed as he opened the box, staring down at a loaded revolver. As he stared at the gun, in a hypnotic-like state, his memory took him back...

"No, Chandler", Monica said firmly, We are NOT going to have a gun in this house". Chandler explained that with him out of town so much, he would feel better if Monica had some form of protection. "Look", Chandler said, "I hate guns just as much as you do, but the fact is, with me gone to Tulsa so much, you do need to have some kind of protection. What if somebody broke into the house". Monica shook his head and said "I would give them what they wanted". Chandler looked at her, and Monica never saw him this serious as he said "And what if he wanted something more"?

"Do you know how many people are shot by their own guns", Monica asked, and Chandler asked if Monica knew how many people were killed by intruders. Chandler came out of his trance, as he looked at the gun, feeling the cool metal in his hand and thought it was rather ironic that he made Monica get the gun for protection, yet he was thinking about using it on himself. "I can't go on like this, in a world where the pain never ends. I can end it all in a few seconds and all it takes is one squeeze of the trigger". He looked at the gun, and then shouted, as if talking to somebody "NO, DON'T EVEN THINK THAT"

**Call you up in the middle of the night  
Like a firefly without a light  
You were there like a blowtorch burning  
I was a key that could use a little turning**

Chandler picks up the phone and with shaking hands, dials a number and a few seconds he hears Rachel answer "Hello". Chandler does not answer, as Rachel looks at the caller ID and says "Chandler, sweetie, is everything ok". Chandler breaks down crying, unable to speak as Rachel tries to calm him down and said "Honey, it's ok. We're on our way over, right now". Rachel woke up Ross as they quickly dressed and left for Chandler's house.

**So tired that I couldn't even sleep  
So many secrets I couldn't keep  
I promised myself I wouldn't weep  
One more promise I couldn't keep**

It seems no one can help me now,  
I'm in too deep; there's no way out  
This time I have really led myself astray

As they were leaving, Rachel called Phoebe and asked if she would meet them at Chandlers, telling her what had happened, and Phoebe said she was on her way as well. Before she left, Phoebe called her sister, asking her to call Chandler and to do whatever it took to keep him on the phone until they got there.

**Runaway train, never going back  
Wrong way on a one-way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here nor there**

Can you help me remember how to smile?  
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile  
How on earth did I get so jaded?  
Life's mystery seems so faded

Ursula called Phoebe back, to tell her she tried to call Chandler, but he wasn't answering the phone. She relayed that to Ross, who sped down the highway, hoping and praying there were no police around and in the meantime, they kept trying to call Chandler. A trip that usually took about an hour took only a little over 30 minutes as Ross was flying down the highway at over 80 miles per hour.

**I can go where no one else can go  
I know what no one else knows  
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain  
With a ticket for a runaway train**

And everything seems cut and dried,  
Day and night, earth and sky,  
Somehow I just don't believe it

They finally arrive at Chandler's house at West Chester and ring the doorbell, banging on the door but there is no answer. Frantically they search the house for a way inside when Rachel all of the sudden remembered that Monica had given her a key, for emergencies. They opened the door calling Chandler's name, but there was no response. Finally they enter the bedroom, seeing Chandler sitting on the floor, still looking at the gun, oblivious to the fact that he was not alone

**Runaway train, never going back  
Wrong way on a one-way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here nor there**

Both Rachel and Ross stop in their tracks, upon seeing the gun in Chandler's hand. Their first instinct was to chastise Chandler for even having a gun in the first place, especially with his son in the next room, But they figured as of right now, he didn't really know what he was doing. "Sweetie", Rachel said, "We're here now and everything is going to be ok. You don't need that gun anymore, so why don't you just hand it to me. Ok, honey" Rachel was trying to be gentle, and firm at the same time, not wanting to say or do anything that may put Chandler on edge even more than he already was.

Chandler looked up and said "You have no idea what kind of hell I'm in right now". He shook his head and said "I can't do this anymore. I can't go on like this, anymore" He sighed and said "I love you guys, but I know you have better things to do than check up on me every hour of the day". Rachel knelt down next to him and said "We're family, and that's what family does. You have always been there for each of us, now please let us be there for you"

"And I suppose what I'm going thru doesn't count", Ross snapped, "Yes you lost your wife, but I lost my sister. And buddy, I've known her a hell of a lot longer than you have" Rachel whispered for Ross to go out and wait for Phoebe. "What", Ross asked and Rachel said "It will be ok, honey. Let me talk with him". Ross finally relented and went to the front yard, to wait for Phoebe.

**Bought a ticket for a runaway train  
Like a madman laughing at the rain  
A little out of touch, a little insane  
It's just easier than dealing with the pain**

"I'm sorry that I put you guys thru this", Chandler said as Rachel smiled and said "Chandler, we've already talked about that. You don't need to apologize for needing your friends and family. We're all in this thing together". She looked at the gun, which Chandler was still holding on to, tightly and said "You love your son, right". Chandler looked at her, surprised that she would even question his love for him and said "Of course I do".

Rachel nodded and said "And I know you want to be there for his first day of school. For his graduation, and for his own wedding day... right". Chandler nodded as Rachel continued and said "I know you do, so why don't you hand me that gun". Chandler broke down crying again, as he shakily handed the gun to Rachel, as she put it back in the box and handed it to Phoebe, who just arrived and instructed her to put it where Chandler could not get to it.

**Runaway train, never going back  
Wrong way on a one-way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here nor there**

"I love my son", Chandler sobbed, "But let's face it, he's better off without me". Rachel hugged Chandler, crying herself and asked why he would even think that and Chandler said that he left his family for his job, and now he was being punished for it. "You listen to me Chandler Bing", Rachel said, "You are in no way being punished. You did what you had to do. You put a roof over their heads and food on their table. You are not being punished, sweetie. You were blessed"

**Runaway train, never coming back  
Runaway train, tearing up the track  
Runaway train, burning in my veins  
I run away but it always seems the same **

"I just want the pain to end. I can't even think about her without crying", Chandler said as he struggled to regain his composure. Rachel put her arm around him and said "I know you do, sweetie and we all do. And that will come, but we can't rush it. Until then we're all here for you, for as long as it takes and we'll make sure that you don't have to do this alone. And I want you to think about Monica, as often as you can, even if it makes you cry. Because when you think of her, she is never really gone"

Rachel tightly wrapped her arms around Chandler and hugged and held him as he cried throughout the night


	12. Chapter 12

**He's Not Fine**

Ross and Rachel leave and head back to their apartment, as Phoebe stays behind with Chandler. As they walk in the door, Ross said "I have never seen Chandler like that before. I didn't even know he had a gun". Rachel sat down and said "I know, he really freaked me out tonight, too". Ross joined her on the sofa not speaking a word, and Rachel turned to him and said "Are you ok, honey". Ross shrugged and said "I don't know. I just can't get the image of Chandler with a gun out of my head. I mean, what if he..."

Rachel interrupted and said "But he didn't and that's the important thing". She sighed and continued "I love Chandler, but truthfully, we are not able to give him the kind of support he needs. We can't be there 24 hours a day, Ross. What happens next time and we're not around". Ross looked at Rachel, shocked and with a hint of anger in his eyes and snapped "I can't believe I'm even hearing this. So that's your answer... having him committed? Having him locked away. He would NEVER do that to any of us. He is our friend, and when a friend needs help, you don't just abandon them. Besides, nobody knows Chandler like we do".

Rachel started to cry, and said "Honey, I know this is hard to hear and it's even harder for me to say. But we are not abandoning him. We're simply loving him enough to let him get the help he needs. I know this hurts Ross and Chandler has been like a brother to me. But honey, he needs to be looked after 24 hours a day. He needs trained professionals to help him, and baby, we can't give him the kind of help he needs. Ross stormed off the couch in defiance and angrily said "NO! There is no way in hell that you or anybody else is going to do this. Chandler would NEVER have sold us out, like that"

Rachel knew how much Ross was hurting and just went over to him, and put her arm around him and sat him back down on the sofa and said "Ross, do you understand what happened tonight? Chandler had a gun, saying he wanted to kill himself". Tears rolled down Ross' face as he finally understood the magnitude of what had happened, and with a glimmer of hope said "But he didn't though. That has to count for something, doesn't it" Rachel nodded and said "But what about next time? What if next time and nobody is around? Are you willing to take that chance" Rachel sighed and said "Chandler is not thinking clearly right now, and until he does, he needs help" Ross nodded, finally admitting that Rachel was right and said "So, what now". Rachel said that in the morning, they will discuss what the next step has to be

Ross and Rachel went to bed, but neither were able to sleep, both racked with guilt about what they were going to do. In the morning they called Phoebe, asking her to come to their apartment. "Chandler's still asleep, let me wake him", Phoebe said. Rachel said they had some important matters to discuss and thought it would be better if Chandler was not told, as of yet. Phoebe protested, thinking it wouldn't be right to talk about Chandler, if he was not there himself. "I know, sweetie. But this is very important". Phoebe called her sister, asking her to stay with Chandler as she drove to Ross and Rachel's apartment.

"What's going on", Phoebe asked as she arrived, wanting to know why everybody was being so secretive, as Rachel called Joey and put him on the speaker phone. She told Joey what had happened the night before, and how Chandler had a gun, threatening to kill himself. Rachel said that Joey needs more help and care, than they were prepared to offer. "Everything turned out ok this time, but what about next time? He needs professional help". There was a long pause and finally Joey spoke, asking exactly what that meant

Rachel said there was a place outside of Albany called "Paradise Oasis" that came very highly recommended, and have 24 hour care. Joey cleared his throat and said "So that's your plan? Having Chandler locked away like a criminal"? Phoebe just sat there, in stunned silence as Rachel spoke "No, honey. He won't be locked away, but he does need to be looked after. Dr. Hart said they have all types of activities from movies, TV, horseback riding, and even a miniature golf course. It's not a prison you guys, it's where a person goes to get help.

Phoebe said "Chandler will never agree with that, and you know it". Ross said he knew, that's why they were in the process of getting a court order. "Chandler is fine", Phoebe protested, "all he needs is some time, patience, and understanding". Rachel said "We can pretend that Chandler is fine, all we want. But we all know he's not. He had a gun and said he wanted to kill himself. I'm sorry, but he's not fine". Joey said he thought Rachel was right and said "Chandler needs help and if this Paradise Oasis place is what it takes for him to be ok, then that's what needs to be done"

Dr. Hart beeped in on the other line to say the court order was secure, and said Chandler would be admitted the following week.


	13. Chapter 13

**You Don't Know What Love Is**

The past week seemed to come and go, in a blur and at last the dreaded day was upon them. Keeping everything a secret from Chandler was one of the hardest things they have ever had to do, but if he knew what was about to happen, he may not go, on his own. The plan was to go to Dr. Hart's office for one last group therapy session, Chandler would be released to the custody of Paradise Oasis and would be taken to their complex.

Rachel could not help but feel guilty and felt as if they were betraying Chandler, but deep in her heart, she knew this is what needed to be done. Chandler had a lot of issues that he kept pushing away, not wanting to deal with them, and now he would be forced to confront his pain and grief, whether he wanted to or not. Dr Hart said that while he admired and applauded their efforts, he agreed with Rachel that they were not trained, prepared, or equipped to give Chandler the time and support he so greatly needed.

They have decided that while Chandler was away, Ross and Rachel would watch Chandler Jr. Dr. Hart had warned that Chandler may be bitter and angry and may say things that would be out of character for him, but also said that deep inside, once the anger passes, he would not mean what he had said. Chandler and Phoebe had arrived and right away Chandler could tell something was different, as the tension was so thick. "Hey, what's going on", he asked as he eyed Rachel skeptically.

"Nothing, I'm just tired and worn out", Rachel said, unable to make eye contact with Chandler. He seemed to buy her excuse, but continued to watch and observe each one closely. They ate breakfast and drove down to Dr. Hart's office for their weekly therapy session, and Chandler could still sense that something was out of place, but could not put his finger on it. After the session was over, about 2 hours later, Dr. Hart said that he wanted to speak to Chandler alone.

Chandler watched as the gang reluctantly left and asked Dr. Hart what was going on. He looked at Chandler, his normal happy cheerful personality is replaced by a serious one. He looked at Chandler, took off his glasses and said "Chandler, why didn't you tell me about the gun". Chandler sighed and didn't answer, knowing that Dr. Hart had him and this was one time he couldn't just talk or joke his way out of it. He simply adverted his eyes away from him and mumbled "I don't know".

"You had a son in the next room, and you had a gun. I'll be honest, Chandler... that scares me a little bit", Dr Hart said. Chandler nodded and softly said "I know, and I was scared, too". Dr Hart went on to say "Your friends are concerned about you, and to be honest, so am I. We're all worried about you". Chandler said he was getting better and that there was no need to worry. "Do you call putting a gun to your head getting better, because I don't", Dr. Hart said rather frankly. "Have you ever heard of a place called Paradise Oasis", Dr. Hart asked and Chandler shook his head, saying that he didn't.

_Cut to waiting room_

"I can't believe this is happening", Phoebe sobbed as Ross and Rachel tried to comfort her as best as they could, saying this was for Chandler's own good. About 30 minutes later Chandler and Dr. Hart come out of his office and said "Why are you guys doing this to me". Rachel went to hug him, but he just shoved her away and thru tears she said "Please try and understand, Chandler, we're doing this because we love you. Even if you don't believe it, we do love you".

"Love", Chandler angrily shot back, "You call this LOVE? You have no idea what love is. Love is sticking together in the good times and the bad. You were supposed to be my friends". Ross stepped up and said "We are, and that's why we're doing this". Chandler lost it and yelled "Save it, Ross. Just save it. You don't know the first thing about love or friendship. Friends stand by each other, not run away when things get just a little heavy". Dr. Hart said Chandler needed to calm down, and take some deep breaths. He escorted Chandler to a waiting van and placed him in the back, and made sure the doors were securely locked. Chandler could not bring himself to look at his friends as the van slowly pulled away as Rachel shouted "We love you, sweetie".

They wait for a few minutes before getting in their car and driving back home


	14. Chapter 14

**Finding Paradise**

Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe drove back to their apartment in silence. They have never seen Chandler so hostile and angry and even though Dr. Hart had warned them that could happen, and even though it was a normal response and deep inside Chandler didn't mean it, it still hurt never the less. Rachel kept saying that it had to be done for Chandler's own good, but she wasn't sure if she was trying to convince the others, or herself. Ross felt Rachel was having second thoughts and put his arm around her trying to re-assure her they did the right thing.

"Did we Ross? I mean, did we really", Rachel questioned as Ross looked at her, kissed her and said "Yes we did, sweetie, and you were right. Chandler needed help and he needed more help than we could give him and we did what any good friend would do. We cared enough about him, to let him get the care and help he needs". Phoebe said that Chandler needed them and that he would be all alone and Ross said "But maybe that's ok. Maybe right now what he needs IS some time by himself, anyway from everything and everyone". Ross paused and added "We've all been there for him, maybe to a point where we were there for him TOO much. Maybe now he'll be able to do things for himself again

Chandler still could not believe what had happened and wondered how his friends could just send him away like that. He looked out the window as trees, farm houses, cattle and other country scenery zoomed by. "Hey are you hungry" the driver cheerfully asked "There's a fast-food shack just a few miles up the road". Chandler didn't answer, still looking out the window, lost in his thoughts, wondering why his friends just sent him away and wondering what he could have possibly done to make them do it

_Flashback to 6 Years Earlier_

Chandler stood in front of his best friend and got down on one knee as he presented a sparking diamond ring. Monica started to cry immediately as Chandler said "From the moment I saw you, I knew I found my partner and soul mate. Monica Feller, will you marry me" Chandler placed the ring on her finger as she knelt down next to him, and kissed him. "Is that a yes or no", he asked with a smile and she smiled and kissed him again and said "Damn straight Chandler Bing... and what took you so long".

"Promise me we'll grow old and gray together", Chandler asked as Monica took his hand in hers, kiss him and said "I promise" She smiled as she looked at the ring as Chandler heard a voice, and as he comes back to reality the driver of the van tells him there is a fast-food restaurant a few miles down the road and asked if Chandler wanted anything, but he just mumbled and shook his head. "It's a long way to go, and you may get hungry so I'll go ahead and get you a burger", the driver cheerfully said.

They arrive and pull into the drive-thru and in a matter of minutes they are back on the road. About an hour had passed and Chandler had gotten hungry as he devoured the hamburger and laid back and drifted off to sleep. Chandler woke up just as they were approaching Paradise Oasis and saw a sign that read "Paradise Oasis: A piece of Paradise in a chaotic world" The arrive at a rather unassuming building as the driver gets out and unlocks the van door as slides it open as Chandler reluctantly steps out.

A rather attractive woman approaches and says "You must be Chandler. My name is Dr. Stephanie Stevens, but you can just call me Stephanie". Chandler shook her hand as she said "Dr. Hart had already told us why you were here, and I want you to know that we'll do everything we can to help you thru this". She asked Chandler to follow her, as she lead him to his room, which was sparse, containing a bed, bookshelf and small TV set"

"How long do I have to locked away", Chandler asked, matter-of-factly and Dr Stevens said Chandler was not being locked away. "You're not in a prison, nor are you in a mental institution. This is where people come to handle and deal with problems and issues. Nobody is going to judge you here, ok? Everybody is the same here, and at the same time everybody is different. Why don't you go ahead and get some rest, because we have a lot of ground to cover tomorrow. Chandler said that he wanted to call his friends and asked where his cell phone was at. Stephanie explained that personal items were not permitted and when he leaves, everything would be returned to him, and said that he would be able to call them in the morning. She closed and locked the door and Chandler angrily asked, that if this was not a prison, why was he locked in his room and she explained that the locks were needed for his own protection. Chandler banged on the door, in frustration and anger for several minutes before exhaustion overtook him, and he finally went to bed

It was the next day, and Rachel was already up, drinking her morning coffee when Ross entered from the bedroom and grabbed the telephone and started to dial. "Who are you calling", Rachel asked as she poured another cup of coffee as Ross said he was calling Monica. He paused for a second before throwing the phone across the room, as it broke into several pieces and slumped on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Rachel immediately went over to him, knelt down by him and just held him tightly in a comforting embrace, gently rocking him back and forth, stroking the back of his neck.

"My...my sis... sister is...go...gone", Ross stammered in between sobs. "I know, honey. I know", Rachel comforted, crying herself as she sat with him on the middle of the kitchen floor as he continued to cry. "I am so sorry this happened", Rachel said, as she held Ross close, trying to give him the comfort and security he needed. "But why", Ross said, "Why did it have to happen to her. What could she have done to deserve that".

Rachel replied that she didn't know why it happened and said "You and Monica had a very special connection and I rarely see the kind of love and support that you had for each other". Ross was literally sore from crying so hard, but he wasn't ashamed or embarrassed to cry in front of Rachel. "It's been a month now", Ross sighed, "You would think that I would be passed this stage already". Rachel lifted Ross's head, forcing him to make eye contact and said "Honey, nobody is saying that. You take all the time you need".

Rachel gently helps Ross up as they go and sit on the sofa. "I guess it just hit me all at once, and finally started to sink in". Rachel said that was because Ross refused to accept or deal with what happened and said "When you don't deal with issues and feelings, they'll keep building and eventually will just erupt". Rachel smiled and said "So no more hiding your feelings, ok". Ross nodded and said "ok"


	15. Chapter 15

**Earl**

It was a few weeks later, and Chandler was walking around the grounds at Paradise Oasis and happened to see a perfectly manicured garden, which was lined with roses, lilies and tulips. As he was admiring the garden he looked ahead and saw a middle-aged gentleman in overalls emptying a garbage can. He walked up to Chandler, shakes his hand and says "Hi, I haven't seen you around here, before". Chandler said "Yeah, I guess I'm new here". He smiled as he introduced himself as Earl, the groundskeeper.

"Did you have a chance to see the flowers in the garden", Earl asked as he pointed to one of the many gardens. Chandler looked at where Earl was pointing and said "Wow, those are pretty. Did you do that". Earl simply smiled as he hauled a bag of fertilizer from the bed of a pickup truck. Chandler asked if he needed any help and Earl said "Sure, if you want". Chandler and Earl opened the bag, and evenly spread the contents over the garden, taking a hoe to pat it down into the soil. As they work, Dr. Stevens walks by and comments on how nice the garden looks and as she walked away Earl said "I always like her".

They pause for a few seconds to admire the garden and it struck Chandler as rather ironic that in his life he never stopped to notice and appreciate the simple things in life, such as flowers. He was usually too busy working, paying the bills, or dealing with other matters. "You want a soda", Earl asked as they walked back to the pickup and Earl tosses Chandler a soda from an ice chest. "So what's your story", Earl asked as they sat inside the pickup drinking the soda. Chandler asked what he meant as Earl explained "The world is made up of two different people. Those who choose to confront their problems and those who choose to hide from them. Which one are you"

Chandler thought for a minute and said "Well, I guess I'm a hider". Earl nodded, saying that's pretty much what he figured, "No offense, but if you knew how to confront and deal with your issues and problems, you wouldn't be here", Earl said matter-of-factly. Chandler looked at Earl, square in the eye and with anger in his voice said "What the hell do you know about issues and problems? My wife is dead and I think I am entitled to lose control"

"I am so sorry to hear that, son", Earl said, "It's never easy losing somebody you love. I found that out, when I had to say goodbye to my daughter". Chandler lowered his voice and said "I'm so sorry. What happened". A tear trickled down Earl's face as Chandler said "I'm sorry, you don't have to talk about it". Earl smiled and said "No, that's ok. It was about 10 years ago, and she got very sick with cancer and died just a week before her 11th Birthday, and not a day goes by that I don't think about her, which is why I'm here"

She loved flowers, of all types and colors and would smile the biggest smile each time she saw one. And every time I plant flowers, in a way, I feel that I am connected with her. That's why you see so many flowers here. I want to try and make other people as happy as she was. Even when she was going thru chemo and radiation, her smile never left her face. Never once did she complain or argue". Chandler apologized and Earl smiled and said "Don't be. I learned a lot from her, Chandler. I learned how to live, laugh and love. Life is short and we can either go thru life laughing or crying, living or hiding. I prefer to live and laugh"

Chandler noticed a Shakespeare book on the dashboard and said "No offense and don't take this as an insult, but what does a janitor know about Shakespeare". Earl chuckled and said "Just because I never went to collage, does not mean I'm not educated. There are many people who never finished high school and are very bright, and there are many people with collage diplomas, who are as dumb as a rock. You can't always believe everything you see". Earl paused and said, "Take Albert Einstein for example. He's smart, right" Chandler nodded as Earl said "Quite possibly one of the greatest minds of recent history, and he dropped out of school, too"

The sun was slowly starting to set as Curfew set in, requiring all patients to return to their rooms for the evening. Chandler and Earl shook hands as Chandler went back to his room, and when he turned around, Earl was gone. He opened the door to his room as Dr. Stevens was making her rounds for the evening and asked Chandler how he was doing and Chandler said he was doing ok, and spent the day with Earl. "Earl", she asked him puzzled.

"Yeah, you know, Earl the handyman. We were talking about his daughter and working in the garden. You remember, you saw us", he replied. Dr. Stevens cleared her throat and said "Chandler, I saw you, but I didn't see Earl", she paused before going on, "Earl Anderson was our handyman, but he died of a heart attack last year. Earl loved Paradise Oasis and the serenity it provided, but because he was not a licensed doctor, he was not able to help the patients as he wanted, but he would always lend an ear or give advice. He often said that he would watch over Paradise Oasis and be there for those who needed him the most"

Dr. Stevens said she believed Chandler, because he described him perfectly and could not have possibly known who he was. As she made sure Chandler was ok, she went back to her office as Chandler looked to the sky and whispered "Thanks, Earl" before going into his room


	16. Chapter 16

**Graduation**

"Come on Ross, we're ready to go and as usual, we're waiting on you", Rachel called from the living room. It was 2 weeks later, and Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe were going to drive to Paradise Oasis to surprise Chandler. "Do you think he'll be happy to see us", Phoebe asked, worried that Chandler may still have feelings of anger and resentment. Rachel said, that according to Dr. Hart, Chandler had been making some progress. There was a knock on the door as Phoebe answers it, as Carol and Ben come inside. They had been out of the country, and just now found out about Monica's death.

Rachel poured some coffee as they sit at the table, as Ben stands at the coffee table, staring at a picture of Monica. Rachel walked up next to him and said "Honey, are you ok". Ben didn't answer as Rachel tried to tell him that everything would be OK. Ben started to cry as he darted for the bathroom, slamming the door shut and locking it from the other side. "Honey, please come out", Rachel pleaded as Ben shouted that he wanted to be left alone.

Ross made his way over and in a stern tone, told Ben that he was not to speak to Rachel, in that manner. "Ross, it's ok", Rachel said, "He's just upset about Monica. They just now found out". Carol said that Ben really loved and adored Monica. A few minutes later and Ben comes out, hugs Rachel and apologizes. "Hey, it's ok sweetie", Rachel said as they hugged. "I didn't even get to say goodbye", Ben said. Carol hugged her son and said "You're right and why don't we do that, right now"? Ross hands Ben the photo of Monica, telling him Monica would want him to have it

"Ross, we can't take that", Carol said. "Yes you can", Ross informed. Ross and Ben hug, both father and son in tears. "It's time to go", Carol said, "They are going to see Uncle Chandler". Carol and Ben thank Ross and Rachel for the picture and leave, and then Ross, Rachel and Phoebe all head for her taxi, and make the long drive to Paradise Oasis. All the way down, Phoebe worried and fretted that Chandler would still be angry and bitter, and the others did their best to assure her, that was not the case.

They finally arrive at Paradise Oasis and Dr. Stevens went and told Chandler he had some special visitors. He followed Dr. Stevens and saw the gang... his friends. Any sense of worry or apprehension was quickly dissolved as Chandler hugged each on of them, eager to let them know there were no hard feelings. Rachel asked how he was doing, and Chandler said he was doing a lot better, and was learning how not to keep emotions bottled up. Dr Stevens said Chandler was making great process and had very high hopes for him

_6 Weeks Later_

Everybody gathered into Phoebe's yellow taxi, making another trip to see Chandler... but this time, it was for different reasons. Chandler was making good progress, but he knew he still had a long way to go, as he and Dr. Stevens were on a putting green and she said "I'll make a deal with you. If you can make a hole-in-one, with your eyes closed, you will never have to face your feelings and emotions again". Chandler chuckled, saying that was not possible. "Exactly", she replied with a smile, "Neither is going thru life, pretending that nothing happened". She paused before continuing and said "Your feelings and emotions need an outlet...an escape path, and if you don't give them that, it will keep building, and eventually they will force their way out, whether your ready or not" Chandler took a swing, missing the hole by mere inches and said "Like what happened to me". Dr. Stevens nodded, and said "But you're not going to do that any more, right" As Chandler shook his head, saying he would not.

A few hours later and Chandler is reading in his room when Dr. Stevens informs him that he has some visitors. They made their way to the visitor center to find Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe who could not stop smiling as she hugged Chandler and they all seemed very happy and excited, but would not tell Chandler what was going on. They have a counseling session with Dr. Stevens and Dr Stevens asked Chandler what he had learned

Chandler said he learned it was ok to be open about his feelings, and it was ok to slow down if he felt things were going too fast, and was ok to ask for help and that he learned that he wasn't in this alone. Dr Stevens smiled and said that's what she wanted to hear and said she had a very important assignment for Chandler and said this would be the toughest thing Chandler would ever have to do and said that he would need to use and apply everything he learned in order to complete the assignment

Chandler asked what the assignment was and Dr Stevens replied that Chandler had to face the world again and with a smile, said that Chandler had graduated from Paradise Oasis and would be going back home. "So I'm cured"?, Chandler asked with a smile and Dr Stevens said "You were never sick, Chandler. We don't cure healthy people. You just needed a place where you could put everything in perspective"

Chandler shook Dr. Steven's hand as he hugged his friends. "Come on", Rachel said as they hugged", "Let's go home"


	17. Chapter 17

**New Beginnings**

It was 7am, and Chandler was standing in front of the mirror, adjusting his tie. It was a month since he graduated from Paradise Oasis, and was looking forward to heading back to work, and getting some degree of normalcy back. He thought about how far he had come, and how much further he needed to go, but knew with the love and support of his friends, he could make it thru anything. Although he still missed Monica terribly, each day was just a little better than the day before, just like everybody said it would be. But still, some days were better than the others. There were still days where he just wanted to lock the door and not come out, but those days were becoming more few and far between.

There was a light knock on the door, as Ross, Rachel and Phoebe entered. "This is a real big step, Chandler", Rachel said with a smile as she hugged him.. Phoebe stepped up, and said how proud they were of him, and gave him a hug as well. "Just take it easy, and don't expect too much right away", Ross said and Rachel nodded and added "And if you need to take some time-out, promise me you will". Chandler nodded as Phoebe handed him a sack, which contained a sandwich, apple, soda, and candy bar. Rachel suggested that when he get off work, they all go to the Plaza.

"Guys, thanks for everything. But I'm fine... I promise", Chandler said with a smile. Phoebe smiled and said "I know you are", as Chandler smiled and left for work. Chandler usually dreaded his mediocre, dead-end job, but today he couldn't wait. He was looking forward to getting his life back to normal, and pulled into his office, and parked his car in the garage and turned off the engine, and just froze not able to move, and just sat there as tears poured down his cheek.

This was the first time he came back to work since Monica's death, and that's what hit him... this was a first, of many "firsts". As much as Chandler tried, he could not bring himself to get out of the car, and just sat there. He wanted so bad, to be able to move past this, but it seemed like right when he was starting to make major progress, something always tried to push him back. Chandler lost track of time, and didn't know how long he was sitting in his car, when he was brought out of his trance, at the sound of somebody knocking on the door.

"Oh hey, Carla" Chandler greeted as he opened the passenger door and she got in. Carla worked in the office right below Chandler, and they usually ran into each other, on their way to the elevator or the office break room. She hugged Chandler and asked if he was ok, and Chandler could only lightly nod. "I heard you were coming back to work today", she said cheerfully. Chandler just sighed and Carla said "If this is too soon, they will understand" Chandler smiled and said "C'mon, or we'll be late as he opened the driver's side. Carla reached out, grabbed his hand and said "You know you don't have to". Chandler nodded, saying he wanted to as they both got out of the car, and made their way to the elevator.

Chandler was not expecting what he saw, but when he got off the elevator, on the 10th floor he saw a huge sign that read "Welcome Back, Chandler". Everybody gathered around Chandler, welcoming him back when the manager came and said "Ok, everybody clear out and let the man breathe". After everybody had returned to their office and cubicles, Chandler's manager said "Are you doing ok". Chandler shrugged and said "Better". The manager told Chandler to stop by his desk, should he need anything.

Chandler settled down at his desk, and turned on the computer and went to get some coffee, while the computer was booting up. For once, Chandler was looking forward to the next phase of his life, and any fears or doubts that he usually had about the future, was not there this time. Chandler returned back to his computer, and the background on his screen showed a picture of him and Monica on their wedding day, and he wondered how that got there, because he did not put it there. He chuckled, looked upward and said "I love you too, Mon".

It was about 12 noon, and Chandler was getting ready for lunch when his manager came by and said "You know, we don't really have that much work to do, so why don't you go ahead and clock out now". Chandler knew what his manager was trying to do and said "Sir, I feel fine. Honest, I'm ok". He nodded and said "I know you are, but we just don't want you to take on too much, too soon". Chandler grunted and left the office, and went to his apartment. He spent the past week, trying to find their wedding tape, but could not figure out where he put it. Finally he just gave up, and sat down and turned on the TV.

A few moments later, the VCR turned on by itself and showed Monica putting on her makeup, joking with Rachel and Phoebe as tears filled Chandler's eyes. He opened the VCR and there inside was the wedding tape. He wanted more of it, when there was a knock on the door. Chandler was too engrossed in the video and didn't hear the knock. Finally the door opened as Rachel stepped inside, standing behind Chandler, and lightly putting her hand on his shoulder and whispered "You found the tape...I said you would".

"C'mon, we're all going to the Plaza", Rachel said as she turned off the TV. As Phoebe drives to The Plaza, she turns on the radio as "Dream", by OMD started to play, which was Monica's favorite song. Finally Chandler knew that everything that happened was more than a mere coincidence. First, seeing the picture from their wedding, on his computer at work. Then finding their wedding tape, now hearing her favorite song on the radio. He told everybody what had happened, and Ross just shrugged and said "Hey man, if that's what it takes to make you feel better, that's all that matters". Phoebe turned around and said "For what it's worth, I believe you".

Ross was trying to be logical, saying everything has a logical and scientific explanation. Phoebe had to stop the car suddenly to avoid hitting a min-van that cut her off, and when she did, the glove compartment flew open and a photo fell out. Ross reached down and picked it up and saw it was a photo of him and Monica, when they were kids as Disneyland, he turned the photo over and it read "Me and Ross... the best brother in the world". Rachel looked at the photo, turned to Ross and said "Do you believe, now". Ross thru tears, clutching the photo, said "Yes, I believe".

They arrive at the Plaza and are shown to their seats as the waiter brings out their drinks. "What should we drink to", Phoebe asked and without hesitation, Chandler said "Monica". They lift their glasses and enjoy an evening of drinking and remembering Monica. The last few months for Chandler have been pure hell, but knew that with his friends by his side, everything would be ok. Ross lifted his glass and said "To Chandler, and to new beginnings", as everybody joined the toast.


	18. Chapter 18

**Memories and Flashbacks**

It was 6 months later, and Chandler was alone at his house, as Ross and Rachel took Chandler Jr., saying that Chandler needed a weekend alone, to do whatever he wanted or needed. Chandler woke up, poured a cup of coffee, and started to go over a stack of bills that were piled up on the table. It seemed that he was spending more than he was making and an envelope in particular caught his eye and he saw it was from the bank, and on the envelope was written "Immediate Response Requested"

Chandler carefully opened the envelope saying the mortgage was past due, and unless $3,000 plus $475 in late fees was paid by the end of the month, the bank would order a foreclosure on the house. This was Monica's dream house, and she fell it love with it, from the very second they laid eyes on it. She would fuss over every detail, such as where to hang the pictures or which way the dining room table needed to face, and Chandler was wise enough to know to stay out of the way and let her do it, as she wants. After all, that was her area.

Chandler often told Monica that when their son was older, he would build him a tree house, on the huge oak tree in the back yard. Chandler wanted to do things for him, that his own parents never did. They were too busy using him as a pawn and weapon against the other. When he was younger, Chandler promised himself he would never do that, to his own kids. Chandler read the letter and sighed, not knowing what to do. $3000 was a lot of money, and it took two incomes to pay the bills.

It basically took everything Chandler and Monica had, just to make the down payment, but they told themselves it was meant to be, and they would find a way. It was a big extravagant, but Chandler knew Monica deserved a place for her own, plus it was in a good area with a superb school district. Money was tight, and they had to closely budget every penny, which meant no more eating out every night, and no more going to Central Perk every day, as gasoline was getting expensive as well. Besides, they had their own lives to life, now.

He sat there, not knowing what to do, and he had a thought of selling the house, but how can you sell a dream? How can a person just sell the memories of the past, and the promises of the future? "She didn't keep her promise to you. She didn't stay and grow old with you", Chandler thought to himself, but then told himself "No .We are not going down that road again". He knew that Rachel said she would help out, but this was his responsibility.

He decided to call Ross and Rachel, and tell them he was thinking about selling the house. He wasn't trying to get their blessing, or hoping they would try and talk him out of it. He simply thought they had a right to know. The next day Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe were over at the house. "Chandler, you know that I will be more than happy to help", Rachel said. Chandler thanked her, saying he appreciated it, but said that would just be a temporary fix, and he would still need a way to make ends meet.

"Whatever you decide to do, where with you all the way", Phoebe said as Ross and Rachel agreed. They all got to talking and reminiscing, and Chandler chuckled and said of the time Joey ran into the garage, because a piece of candy fell down on the floor, and he accidentally hit reverse, on the gear shift when he leaned over to pick it up. They were talking until late in the day, and Rachel said that his old apartment was still available. Chandler said he knew he needed to sell the house, as it was just too big for one person, and he couldn't pay it, just on what he makes. But he said he felt like he was getting rid of a piece of Monica

"Hey", Ross said, "I loved my little sister very much and I know she loved you very much. I also know Monica would not want you to have to take on more than you are able to. If this means selling the house, I know she would understand". Chandler said it was more than just that. He said he didn't like raising a family in an apartment, and said they needed a yard to fly their kite in, and streets to ride their bikes. They need a place for their dads to teach them how to shoot hoops and hit home runs. You just can't do those things in an apartment. Rachel suggest that Chandler sleep on it, and he will see more clearly in the morning. They all said goodnight and Chandler went to bed and soon he was asleep.

Chandler woke up in the middle of the night, to see Monica setting on the edge of the bed, watching him sleep. "After all this time, do you not know one thing about me", she scolded as Chandler looked on in stunned silence. "Did I ever say you had to keep the house", she asked. Chandler simply shook his head as Monica smiled, moving closer to him saying "If it's a burden, then get rid of the burden". Once Chandler found his voice he said "But the house was your dream".

Monica sat down next to Chandler, gazing into his eyes and said "No, Chandler. I was married to my dream. A house it just a house. It was you, who made it a home". She leaned closer and whispered "You know what you have to do, and I'm ok with that. Don't feel guilty over this, not even for a second". She leaned in, as to kiss him, then as quickly as she arrived, she was gone again. First thing in the morning Chandler made a phone call and said "I would like you to appraise a house, please"

A few weeks have passed when the real estate agent called, saying a buyer had been found. At first Chandler was ready to sell the house, as it has become a financial drain, but now when it came down to it, he didn't want to sell the house, as it felt like he was selling everything he and Monica worked so hard for. But he knew he had to, as there was no way that one person could pay for it. Over the next few days, the gang helped Chandler pack and Rachel suggested to have an estate sale, saying not everything would fit into the apartment.

"I can't sell her things", he said. Ross said that the apartment simply was not big enough to bring everything. "I know", Chandler replied, "It's just that I can't watch as Monica's things are sold to somebody else. They won't take as good care of them, as she had". Phoebe stood up and said "You don't know that, Chandler. Besides it's time for other people to make their own memories". Chandler shrugged and said "Yeah, I guess". Rachel offered to take Chandler to a movie, while others were attending to the estate sale, so he didn't have to watch as Monica's things were sold off.

It was a few days later, and Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, and Ursula were over at Chandler's house, planning the Estate Sale, making signs and the such as Chandler sat on the sofa, wanting no part of it. Ross reached for some poster, to make a sign and knocked his cup of coffee off the counter, as the mug shattered and liquid quickly spread across the floor. Rachel helped him clean up the mess and said "Ross, maybe you need to have your eyes checked. That's the 3rd time this week you knocked something down"

Ross said he just didn't see it. "Just like you didn't see the chair you tripped over the day before yesterday. I noticed that you have a knack for knocking things over and tripping over things. Please go and get your eyes checked". Ross protested saying there as nothing wrong with his eyesight and Phoebe asked him to get the marker off the counter and in the process, knocks Rachel's keys onto the floor. "On second thought", Phoebe said, "I'll get it". Ross grunted and Rachel said "Would you PLEASE get your eyes checked, before you knock the whole apartment down"? Rachel and Phoebe had finished making the signs and the next day, they were going to hang them around the neighborhood and they had already placed an ad in the local paper. Chandler wanted no part of it, and chose not to participate, but in his heart, he knew Ross was right.

Chandler sat in the living room on a sofa and said with a sigh, "You win, Monica. I'm giving up the house". He couldn't believe it came down to this. Everything that they worked so hard for, was for sale. Chandler tried to fight the wave of depression that was threatening to engulf him. He couldn't believe it was almost 6 months since Monica was taken from him. He looked at their son, who was happily playing with his blanket, in his crib. He leaned back on the sofa and closed his eyes, as his memories took him back to a happier time

Flashback

"Chandler, stop the car" Monica said in a high-pitched voice, as she pointed to a quaint two-story house with a for sale sign. As Chandler pulled over Monica shrieked "That's the house. THAT IS THE HOUSE". Chandler said she said that about every other house the looked at in the past two weeks, and Monica said "This time I mean it". As they got out of the car, Chandler reminded her that she also said that, about every house as well.

"Oh, don't be such a spoil-sport", she said with a smile as she basically drug him to the front door as Chandler thought to himself "She is going to drive me to the poor house". Monica turned around and said "I heard that". Chandler asked what she heard, because he didn't say anything and she said "No, but I know you thought it". Chandler was puzzled and in his panicky-voice said "How do you do that". They knocked on the door and a middle-aged woman invited them in and showed the house. Chandler and Monica looked at several other houses during the next few weeks, but Monica's heart was set on the quaint two-story house they found in West Chester. They went back and Chandler said "I think we're ready to make an offer"

Flashback

t was a few days later, and Monica and Chandler were at their apartment, as Monica was folding clothes. "No no no no no", Chandler said as he took the laundry basket from her, "You need to rest". Monica laughed and said "Honey, I'm pregnant, not handicapped. Besides how much stress can folding clothes be"? Chandler replied "Obviously you never had to fold your father's panties and stockings". Chandler shuddered at the mental image.

They were nervously waiting for a call-back from the real estate agent, who said the owner of the house would let them know today if their offer was accepted. Monica grabbed a mop and bucket as Chandler said, "Honey, what are you doing? I said you needed to rest", Chandler said as he took the mop from her hands. "I clean when I'm nervous. You know that", Monica said. "Come on, let me do something. I can help too, you know", Chandler said. "Ok, you mop while I fold clothes". Chandler rolled his eyes and said "Oh sure, give me the harder job"

The phone rang and both Monica and Chandler were too nervous to answer, but finally Chandler answered and said "Hello, this is Chandler Bing:". He rolled his eyes, as Joey was on the other line and said "Dude, we're going for Chinese food. Do you wanna come"? Chandler said no and Joey said "Really? It's all you can eat" Chandler sighed and said "We're a little busy, Joe". Joey still couldn't take a hint and said "You may get hungry by the time we get there".

"NO JOEY", Chandler snapped and there was a pause and Joey said "So are you guys coming or not"? Chandler said that he and Monica were in the middle of sex as Monica looked at him and silently mouthed "What"? Joey said "Well call me when you're done" and hung up the phone. A few seconds later the phone rang again and Chandler said "That guy doesn't know when to take a hint" as he picked up the phone and said "Joe, we're NOT done yet"

"Mr. Bing", the other voice said, "This is Stephanie". Chandler nodded and told Monica that the real estate agent was on the phone as she sat down, watching nervously. Chandler and the real estate agent spoke for a few minutes and he said "Ok, thanks for everything" and hung up the phone. Monica looked at him and said "Well? Chandler walked over to where she was sitting, put his arm around her and said "I'm sorry Monica"

Monica started to cry and Chandler smiled and said, "sorry that we'll have to drive further to come to New York, because THEY ACCEPTED OUR OFFER" Monica looked at him and said "seriously" and Chandler smiled and said we need to sign some papers and we'll be official home owners". Monica screamed "YES" as she and Chandler hugged. "Wait", Monica said, "What do we tell the others". Chandler looked at her and said "I don't know. I guess we haven't thought that far ahead"

Flashback

"So you're moving", Ross said. Chandler nodded and said the papers were signed. "When", Rachel asked. Monica said they needed to be out of the apartment in 3 more weeks. "Hey", Chandler said cheerfully, "Let's go check it out". Everybody but Joey got up to go and check out the new house "You coming Joey", Rachel asked and Joey said "No. Because they're moving to a stupid house in a stupid town". Chandler chuckled and said "What's the matter, Joe"?

Joey turned his back and said "You're moving away. You'll be 500 miles away from us". Monica said "We will NOT. West Chester is only an hour away". Joey said "500 miles. An hour away. Same thing" Monica walked over to Joey and said "Please come. It would be so much to us. Plus it's a block away from a sandwich shop and a porn store". Joey smiled and said "Why didn't you say so". He ran out of the apartment shouting "Come on, let's go see the new house"

As they walk about of the apartment, Monica groans in pain and says she needs to sit down. Meanwhile Joey is in the car, honking the horn shouting "Come on, let's go already". A few minutes pass and Ross runs down to Joey and says they're going to the hospital, that Monica was in labor. They run back to the apartment as they were helping Monica down the stairs. "A house and a baby" Chandler said, "This day couldn't get any better". Joey said while he was in the car, he heard on the radio that the New York Knicks made it to the playoffs. "This day just keeps getting better and better", Chandler said.

Flashback

Monica was in bed at the hospital, holding a baby in her hands as everybody else is gathered around her. "So, what's this little guy's name", Phoebe asked. Monica said that at first she was going to name him a name she had picked out since grade school. "Oh great:, Rachel said, "He'll be named after a food". Monica glared, but smiled as she said "I want you to meet Chandler Jr". Ross said "Just one Chandler Bing is bad enough. Do we really need another one"?

Flashback

"Welcome home, Mrs. Bing", Chandler said as he carried her thru the entryway. "Thank you Mr. Bing" she said with a smile as she kissed him. "Can you believe this place is ours", Monica asked with a smile. "Just think, in 25 more years it will be paid for", Chandler said as he started brining in some boxes. "But look at it, sweetie. Look at the size of the yard, and look at that huge tree". Chandler set down a box and he and Monica walked out to the back yard and he smiled and said "One day, our son is going to have his own tree house. I want to do for him, what my own parents never did for me. I want to be there for him" Monica pulled him in a tight embrace and said "And you will be".

Back To Present Time

Chandler was standing at Monica's grave, setting down some fresh flowers and said "I tried Monica. I really, really did. I tried to handle things the way you would have" All of the sudden, for no particular reason, he felt great inner peace, knowing that what he was doing, was exactly what Monica would have done". He looked at his son, who was happily chasing after a lizard and he picked him up and brought him back to the grave and with tears in your eyes said "That's your mom", as he pointed to the headstone which read

Here lies Monica Gellar-Bing  
Wife  
Mother  
Daughter  
Sister  
Friend

Always in our minds and hearts

Rachel and Ross approached from behind and Rachel said "Are you ok"? Chandler nodded and just said he was looking for some answers. "Did you find what you were looking for", she asked as she took Chandler Jr. in her arms. Chandler looked at the grave, then looked up at the sky, paused for a few moments, then with a big smile said "Yeah, I did". Rachel asked if he still wanted to catch a movie and much to their surprise said he wanted to help with the Estate Sale

"Honey", Rachel said, "You don't have to. I know this has been especially hard on you, and you don't have to". Chandler smiled and said "Yeah I know, but knowing Monica she'd want to make sure that her things were going to the right people and besides if you sell if for even a penny less that Monica would have wanted, she'd never let me hear the end of it". Rachel smiled and said "Ok, let's go" as they all head back to the car and as Chandler settled in the back seat with his son, he noticed a card that was addressed to him and asked Ross and Rachel about it, but neither one of them knew anything about it

Chandler opened the card and his heart skipped a beat when he read it: My dearest Chandler, no matter where the road of life may take us, I am and will always be with you... Love, Monica.

Chandler smiled and laughed and for once, since the death of his beloved wife, it seemed that everything was the way it should be and that everything was good. He pointed to the sky, as they were driving as whispered to his son "Mommy is up there, and she's watching out for us"


	19. Chapter 19

**Apartment 20**

Never did Chandler think he would be back here, yet here he was... back at Apartment 20. The same Apartment 20 that belonged to Monica's grandmother. The same Apartment 20 that was shared by Monica and Phoebe, and later shared by Monica and Rachel. The same Apartment 20 that Monica and Chandler called home. But now it was not home... it was just Apartment 20. The movers have already delivered some of the heavier furniture that was not sold at the Estate Sale. Chandler stared at the boxes that were in the dining room and living room, as Ross and Rachel came in, carrying in the last of the boxes.

"Welcome home", Ross said as he set down the box, as Chandler cracked a half-smile and said "Thanks, man". Ross looked around, and said "Well, that's the last of it". Chandler sighed and nodded, and looked around at the place he and Monica called home. Chandler would often come home from work, and Monica would greet him at the door, and kiss him like she hadn't seen him all year.

"It will get easier, I promise", Rachel said, as Chandler broke out of the daydream, and nodded saying if he was able to make it thru the last 6 months, everything else should be easy. Rachel nodded, and said "You made it past the hard part, Chandler". Rachel gave Ross a slight nod. and he said "You know what you need? You need a vacation, away from everybody and everything. Rachel smiled as she handed Chandler an envelope, as he carefully opened it, to find an airline ticket. "What's this for", Chandler asked as he read the airline ticket.

Ross said it was a ticket to Los Angeles, so that he could go see Joey. "Look, that's nice of you guys, and I appreciate the offer. I really do, but right now I have so much to take care of, and so many things I need to do". Rachel interrupted and said "What did Dr. Stevens tell you, at Paradise Oasis". Chandler sighed and said "That is was ok to slow down, and ok to take time out". Rachel handed him the airline ticket and said "And you do, sweetie. Ross is right... you so do need to get away". Chandler said he just started working again, and didn't have any vacation time built up

"Chandler Muriel Bing, that's just an excuse", Rachel said as she thrust the phone in his hand, telling him to call the office and see if he could take some time off work. Ross chuckled and said "You may as well face it, you will never win an argument with Rachel". Rachel turned around, glaring, informed Ross that if he kept it up, Chandler may have a new room-mate. Chandler motioned for them to be quiet, as he spoke with his manager, who said he could take as much time as he needed. "Joey's really looking forward to it, and says he'll meet you at the airport, when you land", Ross said.

Ross and Rachel help him unpack some of the boxes, as Chandler opens a box and takes out a crystal vase. It belonged to Monica's grandmother, who gave it to her when she was a teenager. Chandler gently placed the vase on the mantle, looking at it, as Rachel opened another box, and tool out a picture. "I'm glad you didn't sell that", he sighed as he went back to the others, and noticed tears run down Rachel's face. "Rachel, are you ok", Ross asked as she nodded, wiping away the tears

She handed the photo to Chandler, and he sees it was from their honeymoon in Paris. He took the picture and nailed it to the wall, as they all sat down on the sofa. "I really miss her", Chandler sighed. "Of course you do, Chandler. We all do", Rachel said, as she smiled and added "And she would be so incredibly proud of how you've been dealing with everything. I know I am". Ross mentioned the flight for LA left in a few days, and he should get started packing. Rachel hugged Chandler, telling him to call them or Phoebe should he need anything, and they would take him to the airport.

As they left, Chandler finished unpacking what was left of the boxes, and he looked around and thought to himself "Apartment 20 is not so bad, after all"


	20. Chapter 20

**Losing Sight**

"Chandler, let's go or we're going to miss the flight", Rachel called from the living room. A few minutes later, and Chandler emerges from the bedroom carrying his bags, as Ross offers to help, and takes one of the bags. Chandler sighs, taking a look around the apartment as Rachel said "Oh no you don't Chandler Bing, You need to get away from everything and everyone", as she escorted Chandler out the door. As they were leaving, Phoebe approached, holding Chandler's son, as Chandler took him in his arms, and said "You be good and mind Aunt Phoebe, Aunt Rachel, and Uncle Ross"

They all pile into Phoebe's taxi, as they make their way to LaGuardia Airport. "The last time I saw Joey, was a few days after...the funeral", Chandler sighed. He smiled and continued "It will be so great to see him again". Rachel nodded, saying Joey could hardly contain his excitement, and would be meeting him at LAX. Ross pulls into the airport terminal, and stops by the main doors and said "Since we don't have a ticket, we can't go inside". Phoebe hopped out, and helped Chandler get his luggage from the trunk, as Chandler asked what everybody was going to do, and Rachel said she was going to take Ross to the eye doctor, the next day.

"My eyes are fine, Rach", Ross said, in an irritated tone. Rachel informed him that he kept knocking stuff over, and thought it would be a good idea to have his eyes checked. Chandler thanked everybody, for being there for him, the last 7 months, as Rachel simply smiled and said "Anytime... you better hurry or you'll miss the flight". Chandler nodded, and entered the terminal and made his way over to the gate, presented his boarding pass, and walked onto the airplane

_Cut to LAX, several hours later_

The gate agent had just gotten on the speaker, announcing the flight from LaGuardia, as Joey was waiting in baggage claim, barely able to hide his excitement. About 20 minutes later, and Joey sees Chandler, in the distance, and runs towards him at full speed, wrapping his best friend in a gigantic bear-hug. "How are you doing, man", Joey exclaimed, still engulfing Chandler in the bear-hug as he croaked "I'd be doing better, if I could breathe again".

"Sorry about that", Joey said as he let go, and they spend a few seconds, just looking at each other. He didn't even look like the old Chandler anymore. He looked so much... older than before, like he had the weight of the entire universe resting squarely on his shoulders. They wait for the conveyer belt to start up, and a few minutes later it begins to move, as Chandler searches for his bags. "There they are" he says, as he leans over to pick them up, but Joey takes them from his hands, saying he'll get the bags.

"In my next life, I want to come back as a piece of luggage", Joey joked and Chandler asked why that was, and Joey said riding on the conveyer belt looked like fun. Chandler laughed, and it felt like old times again, and he missed that. Ever since Joey moved to Los Angeles, they didn't see much of each other, except for Thanksgiving and Christmas. "C'mon, I gotta show you something", Joey said as they hurried out of the airport.

"What", Chandler asked, "What do you have to show me". Joey smiled and said "You'll see", as he led Chandler to a waiting limousine, pointed and said "So what do you think"? Chandler smiled, nodded and said "Very cool. Looks like you're doing quite well for yourself". Joey opened the door, told Chandler to get in, and instructed the driver to go back to their house. "Yes sir, Mr. Tribbiani", the driver replied, as they pulled out of the airport terminal. "If you think the limo is nice, wait until you see the house", Joey said with a smile

It was the next day, as Rachel woke Ross up, telling him to get dressed so they could go to the eye doctor, as he got dressed, fixing a quick cup of coffee, before grabbing the keys and leaving. "Sweetie, I think I should drive", Rachel informed as she took the keys from him. Ross sulked as he got into the passenger seat, as Rachel drove to the eye doctor. "Are we going to see Richard", he asked and Rachel shook her head, saying Richard sold his practice to his partner, and was now retired.

The doctor did some routine tests, and about 30 minutes later, called Ross and Rachel back into his office, to discuss the results. Rachel said that as of late, Ross was having a hard time seeing, and was constantly knocking things over, as Ross rolled his eyes. The doctor nodded saying there was a reason, turned to Ross and said "Ross, I'm afraid what you are experiencing, are the early stages of Retinitis pigmentosa, which is an eye disease. Gradually, your vision will become less and less"

Rachel gripped Ross' hand and says "So how do we fix that". The doctor sighed, and said "Rachel, I am sorry, but there is no known cure. We could try laser-eye surgery, but in reality, the damage was already done". Ross asked how bad his vision would get, and the doctor said that eventually, Ross will be totally blind. "How... how much longer", Ross stammered as the doctor said it was hard to say, and said over time, his vision would deteriorate, slowly at first, then rapidly and said "If I have to estimate, I would say perhaps a year... maybe a little longer"


	21. Chapter 21

**You Don't Know Me Very Well**

Ross and Rachel had just returned to their apartment, both in complete and total shock, that something as simple as the ability to see, was being taken away. "Listen", Ross said as they entered the apartment, "I'll understand if you want out". Rachel shot him a funny look and said "Out? Where to"? Ross sighed and said "I'll understand if you want out... with us. If you want to leave, I'll understand". Rachel was furious and said "How dare you, Ross Geller. How dare you even THINK I would even want to leave you, sight or no sight"

"Come on Rachel, try and be realistic. Do you really see yourself taking care of a blind guy", Ross asked as Rachel joined him on the sofa and said "I love you Ross, whether you can see or not, I love you and you're not getting rid of me this easily". Rachel sighed and continued "And yes, I know it will be hard... very hard, but that's what love is all about. You take the good, with the bad, and to think you don't know me well enough by now".

"Wow", Ross said out loud, in complete shock that she would still want to stay with him. To witness and watch him become totally blind, and still want to stay by him. If this was not love, then nothing was, Ross thought to himself. "Ross, it will take a whole lot more than you going blind, to make me walk away... a whole lot more. And if you think I would just walk away, then you don't know me very well", Rachel said as she took his hand, and just sat there with him.

"Come on", Rachel said as she got up, dragging Ross off the sofa. "Where are we going", Ross asked as he followed her out the door and Rachel said they were just going out. She tossed Ross the keys to the car, asking if he felt like driving, which Ross loved to do, and she didn't even complain that he was going well under the speed limit as everybody else was zooming by them. They arrive at the countryside, stopping at a local store for some bread and sandwich meat, before stopping in a meadow filled with flowers.

"You know it's really ironic", Ross said as they both sat down, "I've seen flowers all my life, but this is the first time I actually really see them". Rachel smiled as she opened the bag, and made some sandwiches, as they both lay on the cool grass, watching the clouds as they slowly drift across the sky. "I'm... I'm sorry", Ross stammered as Rachel turned to him, and asked why he was sorry. He sighed and said he was sorry for assuming she would want to leave. Rachel smiled as she kissed Ross, and said "It's going to take a whole lot more than this, Ross". They turn their attention back to the clouds, each one wondering how much longer they had.

"Come on", Rachel said as she raced Ross back to the car, as Ross tossed her the keys as they both got inside. "Where to", Ross asked as Rachel smiled and said "I guess we'll find out, when we get there"


	22. Chapter 22

**Forgetting  
**  
The sun was slowly setting, and a few stars began to dot the night sky as Ross and Rachel returned to the car and began to make the drive back home. She insisted that Ross take advantage of the time he had, and to see and look at anything and everything he wanted to. They have spent the afternoon driving around, just looking at the sights, had a picnic in a field of wildflowers. Ross kissed her as they got in, thanking her. She simply smiled and said 'It's a while until we get back to the city. Why don't you try and get some sleep'.

Ross adjusted the seat, to make it lean back and propped up his head with a pillow, just gazing at the stars as Rachel drove back home. They drove and were about 2 hours outside of New York City, as Rachel pulled into a gas station, and once again were back on the road. She turned to Ross and saw that he was still awake and said 'Sweetie, you really do need to get some rest". She gently stroked his cheek, as Ross closed his eyes and, and soon drifted off to sleep, as Rachel turned the radio on,.

Ross slept soundly and awoke just a few minutes before back at the apartment, as the get out of the car and just sit on the front steps, drinking the last little bit of soda. Ross could not seem to take his eyes off Rachel, as he was trying to take in every line, freckle, and feature and could not believe that he will no longer be able to see the woman he loved so very much. 'I never want to forget this face', Ross said as he tried to fight the tears that were threatening to form, as he continued 'And that what scares me the most, about all of this'

Rachel gently reached out, held his hand and asked what he was scared of. Ross sighed as Rachel softly ran her hand over his fingers, looking at him in the eye and said 'You can tell me'. Ross tried to choke back the tears and said 'I'm scared that I'll forget... forget what you look like. Forget your smile and how it just lights up the room. Forget how your eyes sparkle. Forget every line and curve on your body... I don't want to forget Rach. Not ever'. Rachel didn't know what to say, or what words of comfort she could give him, and just sat there with him, holding his hand and resting her head on his shoulder.

Meanwhile in California, it was like old times and Joey and Chandler were enjoying a night on the town. They were leaving the arena, having just watched a Lakers game, and were making their way over to Joey's car when a few people see Joey and ask for an autograph. Naturally Joey obliges, as they chat for a few seconds before Joey and Chandler get into his Porsche, before enjoying drinks and talking at a local club. It was well after midnight, when they get back home and Gina and Michael were already fast asleep.

Joey and Chandler went to the living room, as Chandler reached for something in the bag and handed a package to Joey. He carefully opened the package, and inside was a photograph of all of them, sitting on the sofa at Central Perk. Joey stared at the photo and broke down crying, saying how much he loved and missed Monica. He hadn't cried that hard, since he was a kid as his father always told him 'Men don't cry'. He looked at the photo, which was put in a frame, tried to hand it back to Chandler, saying he couldn't accept it

'Yes you can', his best friend said as he handed it back, 'I made one for each of us'. They just stand there, staring at the photograph for a few more minutes, before saying goodnight and going to bed


	23. Chapter 23

**The Real Monica**

Chandler was laying down on the sofa, not being able to sleep and felt guilty over having lied to Joey about the photograph. He gave him the photograph, encouraging him to take it, saying he had one made for everybody, but in reality, that was the only one. It just still hurt too much to look at his wife, and... for a lack of better wordage, felt like he needed to get rid of it, and all reminders of Monica. He wanted so much to hate her, and that thought scared him more than anything else. But he could not stop himself from wanting to hate her, hoping somehow that would make the pain go away, somewhat.

But he never openly spoke of his feelings, partially out of shame, and partially because he didn't want to alienate the others. He closed his eyes, and within a few seconds, felt a presence in the room and he opened his eyes and saw Monica standing at the entryway to the living room, and made her way over to him, but there was something different this time... her eyes... the eyes that used to radiate with love and kindness, now only showed disdain and contempt.

She chuckled and said 'Chandler, if it makes you feel any better, I never loved you... not even one ounce'. Chandler shook his head, not believing what he was hearing, and it tore thru his heart like a knife and said 'What'? She looked at him, with pure disgust and said 'My God, you are just so stupid. That's right Chandler, I never loved you... I only felt pity and sorry for you' Chandler sat up and said 'If you didn't love me, why did you marry me'?

'Why do you think? You ARE that stupid, aren't you. I just married you, so my parents could finally shut up about it, and let me live in peace... but the real fact of the matter, is you were easier to control and manipulate, than Richard. You always did exactly what I said... that's your problem. You ALWAYS do exactly what everybody says. You are so naive, it's not even funny'. Chandler tried to blink back tears and Monica said 'Awww, is the little baby going to start crying now'.

'You're not Monica... I don't know who or what you are, but you are not Monica. She would never say such hateful things to anybody' Monica smiled, but it was not the warm, loving smile, smile that Chandler loved, but was a completely different.. almost sinister smile as she said 'You know, I almost wish it was you, and not me, who was in that car wreck'. Chandler couldn't take anymore and screamed at the top of his lungs 'Stop it... stop it... STOP IT'

Joey was awakened by the racket and ran downstairs to see Chandler, eyes tightly shut, still yelling for Monica to stop. He reached out, shaking Chandler saying 'Wake up, dude. Wake up'. Chandler was still freaking out, and Joey lightly slapped Chandler, yelling for him to snap out of it. Chandler opened his eyes, and saw Joey staring back at him. He released his grip and said 'Damn, that must have been some nightmare'. By that time, Gina was awoken and went to see if everything was OK. 'Yeah, he just had a bad dream', Joey commented.

'No, I saw her standing right here.. saying she never loved me', Chandler said trying not to cry in front of Joey and Gina. She asked who Chandler saw and he said that he saw Monica standing right in front of him, right where Joey was standing right then, saying she never loved him. 'Dude, it was just a dream.. a very creepy dream, but it was just a dream', Joey said but Chandler was adamant that it was not a dream and Joey calmly replied 'Yes it was man. It was only a dream... why would Monica tell you she didn't love you, dude. She loved you, so very very much'. Gina wiped the tears from her eyes, and after making sure everything was ok, went back to her room to give Joey and Chandler some privacy.

'But I saw her... and I know I wasn't dreaming', Chandler sighed, having calmed down somewhat as Joey prepared some coffee. 'Dreams can be pretty intense sometimes, making it hard to tell the dream from reality. And I should know. I've had some pretty intense dreams myself, of that cute Xerox copy girl', Joey commented, looking at Chandler he cleared his throat and added 'But that's another story, for another time'.

Joey went back to the counter, pouring some coffee, handing one to Chandler as he sat down on the chair. Joey took a sip of coffee and said 'Monica... the real Monica would have never said those things to you, and you know that. The real Monica loved you.. you know when you told us that you saw Monica, and she told you she loved you'? Chandler nodded and Joey smiled and said 'That was the real Monica... I mean it was a dream, but you get the point"

'I told myself I hated her', he sighed as Joey looked at him quizzically, as Chandler continued and said that maybe if he told himself he hated her, it would make the pain seem less, somehow. Joey nodded saying he understood, and went thru that exact phase, saying he was looking for the same results, but in the end said it made him feel even worse, and rather than spending his entire life being angry, he learned to cherish every memory'. Joey took another sip of coffee and added 'I know Monica is up there, watching us and sometimes that's the only thing that makes me want to get out of bed'..

Chandler chuckled and said 'And I lied to you. I gave you that photo because it was just too hard for me to look at, still'. Joey smiled and said 'I got the feeling that's why you did it. I may be slow, but I'm not stupid'. Joey pointed to Chandler's suitcase and laid on top, was the photo. Chandler smiled and asked 'Do you know of any place where we can get a copy made'? Joey just smiled and nodded as they finished the coffee and went back to bed.


	24. Chapter 24

**Best Friends Forever**

Joey and Chandler were at the airport, waiting for his return flight back to New York City. 'Two weeks doesn't seem long enough', Joey sadly commented as they walked towards the gate. Chandler could only nod in agreement, as it was killing him that he was going to have to say goodbye to his best friend. Chandler didn't dare speak, for fear that he was just totally lose it and break down right there, in front of Joey, Gina, Michael, and everybody else around them.

'I wish you didn't have to go back so soon', Michael said and Joey turned around, and tried to stop his eyes from watering, looking at Chandler and said 'Why do you have to go back? You don't have to, you know. It's not like we don't have the extra space.. we have more space than we know what to do with'. The tears were quite visible as Joey begged 'Please don't go back. You can stay with us for as long as you want'.

Joey's gesture did little to alleviate the guilt and pain Chandler felt, and simply said 'I have to, dude'. He paused for a second and added 'Hey, why don't all of you come to New York'. Michael asked if he meant moving to New York and Chandler nodded, asking why not and said Joey has already made it big, and would have no problem finding work. 'It's not that. My whole life is here, now. I can't just get up and move back, dude. I've got too much going right now, and besides I need to be at the studio tomorrow for our final scene'

Chandler knew he was right and his life was in New York, and Joey's life was here. Chandler remembered how he felt when Joey left the first time, and it killed him to watch his best friend leave. Thru it all, the sadness and depression, there was Monica... trying to cheer him up, and trying to get him to look on the bright side. Now with her gone, there didn't really seem like there was much to go back home too. But then again, he knew his friends.. Ross, Rachel and Phoebe needed him, just as much as he needed them. Home isn't where you are... it's where you're friends are

Chandler and Joey spend the next hour talking and before they knew it, the gate agent got on the speaker, announcing the flight to New York. 'Ok, let's don't make this any harder. Let's just say goodbye and not look back', as they hug. Chandler struggled to keep the tears hidden as he slowly, and with a sad and heavy heart, made his way over to the gate, turning around to see Joey sitting on a bench, with his face buried in his hands and the more Chandler watched, he could see Joey was crying.

It killed him to see his best friend like that, and wanted nothing more than to just rip up the ticket, and take Joey up on his offer. Gina saw Chandler and went over to him and said 'He'll be ok. This is just really hard on him. He always talked about you, showing us your picture. To him, you're more of a brother than just a friend'. She told him he had nothing to worry about, and Joey would be fine, in a while. Chandler nodded, presenting his ticket to the agent, turning around for one more glance before walking to the airplane and taking his seat

- Time Lapse -

Chandler was at the cemetery, standing in front of Monica's grave and was there for quite some time, lost in his thoughts. 'How did you do it, Monica. How did you manage to be so many things, to so many people' He paused and added 'I'm trying, Mon. I'm really, really trying to move on'. He wiped away a tear and said 'But it's so damned hard sometimes'. He didn't notice Rachel quietly approach him and said 'So this is where you have been. We've been looking everywhere for you... are you ok, sweetie'.

Chandler didn't reply, and just nodded. Rachel asked if he was sure and he just shook his head as they sat down at a bench. 'What's wrong, Chandler' Rachel asked and he said he just missed Joey and Monica. 'You know, Joey invited me to move in with him, and I almost took him up on it', he sighed. Rachel asked why he didn't and he said 'Because my life is here... you guys are here. But truthfully, without Monica, there's not really much to come home too. I love you guys and please don't take that the wrong way'.

'I know, Chandler', Rachel said, 'But look at just how far you've come in these past few months. That counts for something, right'. Chandler smiled, as they got off the bench and made their way back home


	25. Chapter 25

**Chad Holloway**

It was a few months since Chandler returned from Los Angeles and not quite a year since Monica was taken from them. Not a day goes by that he does not think about her, and learned to be thankful for each day, never knowing what tomorrow would bring. He was still struggling, but trying his best to enjoy life, and live each day to the fullest. The holidays however were hard, and especially Christmas which was their most favorite holiday... and this would be the first Christmas without her.

Chandler still sees Dr. Hart a few times out of the month, who was pleased with his progress and how he was dealing with everything. They spoke of his trip to California, his work, and his friends 'The first few years are always the hardest of all', Dr. Hart told him. As Chandler was at work, Phoebe and Rachel went over to his apartment, placing a Christmas Tree by the window, hanging Christmas lights on the balcony and windows, and other holiday-related decorations. As they were leaving, Rachel scribbled a note inviting Chandler to dinner with the rest of the gang, and taped it on the refrigerator.

A few hours have passed, as Chandler returned from work, pausing to look at the decorations and flipped on a switch turning on the Christmas Tree lights and the lights on the balcony. He went to the refrigerator, glancing over the note Rachel had left, and pulled out a cola soda and stepped onto the balcony, enjoying the cold night air. Without Monica, Chandler was in not in a festive spirit and was in no mood to celebrate Christmas, or any other holiday for that matter.

Chandler's thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the telephone. He closes the balcony door and goes to the living room and picks up the phone, 'Hello', Chandler answered, but there was no response on the other end of the line. 'Hello', Chandler repeated and waited for a few seconds and was about to hang up the phone when a voice on the other end of the line spoke and said 'Is this Chandler Bing'. Chandler replied that it was, and asked who was calling, and what they wanted. 'You don't know me, Mr. Bing. My name is Chad Holloway.. and this is so very hard for me, so I hope you will bear with me', the voice on the other end said, as Chandler sat down at the dining room table.

Chad paused and continued 'About a year ago I was at a Frat Party, and had... well, let's just say I had more than my share of beer. I knew better than to get behind the wheel of a car, but thought nothing would ever happen to me, drunk or not. I was 19 years old, and thought I was invincible'. Chandler braced himself as best as he could, as he had a feeling what Chad was trying to say. Chad paused, with his voice cracking said 'Mr. Bing, it was me. I'm the one who hit your wife's car, and I cannot tell you how very sorry I am'

'Is that the best you can say? That your sorry', Chandler snapped as Chad continued and said 'You have no idea what I have been going thru, knowing what I have done'. Chandler just totally lost it and screamed into the phone 'You? How DARE you try to make this about YOU. What about ME? What about my wife, that I nor my friends will ever see again, all because of YOU' Chad said he went to jail for 6 months, and the loss of his driver's license until his 25th birthday. 'I've paid my debt to society, but I don't know what I can do to pay my debt to you', Chad said. Chandler was still seething with anger, and tried to force himself to calm down and asked if Chad was married.

'No sir, but I have a girlfriend', was the response. Chandler said 'Do me a favor...cherish every second you have with her, because you never know when your last kiss, will be your last kiss. Trust me on that one'. Chad broke down crying, saying how sorry he was and Chandler replied 'I know you are, but sorry will not bring her back, or erase the pain you caused me'. Chad asked what he could do, and Chandler thought for a moment and said 'Are you hungry'? The question took Chad by surprise and admitted he was. 'I would like to meet with you'. Chad said he didn't think that was such a good idea and Chandler replied 'I think you owe me an hour of your time'. Chad agreed and gave Chandler directions to where he was at.

Chandler went to his car, and drove to the location and a few minutes later a skinny looking kid approaches cautiously, and Chandler turns off the car and slowly gets out of the car, and spend a few minutes just looking at each other. 'Are you going to get in, or what', Chandler asked and after some hesitation, Chad opens the passenger door, and gets in. As they were eating burgers and fries, Chandler said 'You know, you can make this up to me'.

'How', Chad asked and Chandler said he knew of somebody who could help him and after they finished eating, he drove to Dr. Hart's office. They were waiting in the lobby, when Dr Hart came and joked 'You're about 2 weeks early... who's your friend here' Chandler said he was somebody who could use some help, as Dr. Hart invited both of them to his office. After he finished talking with them, Chad turned to Chandler and said 'I don't blame you for being angry...maybe even hating me'.

'I don't hate you Chad. I hate what you've done, but I don't hate you. It's a long road to recovery, and it will require a great deal of work and soul-searching. But once you complete the journey, you'll be glad you did'. Chandler said he had been angry long enough, and thought it was time to leave the past, in the past. They both thank Dr. Hart, who said he wanted to see Chad 2 times each week, and enrolled him in a local AA chapter, and said he wanted to meet with people who have lost friends and family members to drunk drivers, as part of the healing process.

As they were leaving, Chandler was driving Chad back to his dorm room, when he caught a glimpse of Monica in the back seat and she said 'I am so incredibly proud of you, and I love you'. Chandler smiled as he looked back and said 'I love you too, Mon'. Chad looked back, at an empty seat and looked at Chandler and said 'Uh.. who are you talking to, Mr. Bing'. Chandler smiled and said 'Somebody I love very much'


	26. Chapter 26

**New Neighbors**

Chandler woke up at the crack of dawn, which was out of character for him. He sighed and spent a few moments staring at a picture of Monica that was on the dresser. With a tear in his eye, and with a heavy heart, he walked over picked up the photo, kissed it and whispered 'Happy Anniversary, sweetheart'. It was hard to believe that a whole year had passed since Monica was taken from them, and to make matters worse, she was taken from them on their Anniversary. This was one of those days where Chandler just wanted to lock the door, crawl under his bed, and never come out.

He got dressed and went to the kitchen counter, plugged in the coffee grinder and scooped up a cup full of beans, and flipped the switch. A few moments later, he turned the machine off and poured the freshly-ground powder into the coffee machine, as it slowly began to drip into the pot. Rachel didn't want Chandler to have to be alone today, and knew this was going to be a tough day for him, and called him the day before asking him to go shopping with her and Phoebe. The thought of following them around as they tried on clothes didn't really appeal to him, and she said Ross had a lecture and thought they could keep each other company, but sitting in a boring auditorium appealed to Chandler even less. Ross' eyesight was slowly getting worse, and now had to use a magnifying glass to even read the paper. It wouldn't be too much longer before he could no longer drive. Rachel was going to use some vacation days in a few more weeks, as they were going to go skiing in Colorado.

Rachel knew how stubborn Chandler could be at times, and knew this was not the time to press him or make him feel obligated and simply said the offer was open and for him to please call her, should he change his mind. Deep inside she knew Chandler would probably just wanted to be left alone today, to tend to his thoughts. 'Ok, but promise me that you will call if you need somebody to talk with', Rachel said before they ended their discussion.

The timer went off, indicating the coffee was finished brewing as he went over to the cabinet and obtained a mug and proceeded to pour the steaming liquid into it. He took a sip as saw on the mug was written 'World's Best Mom'. It was a Mother's Day present Chandler got for her last year. He stood there looking at the mug before throwing it against the wall, as glass and coffee went all over the kitchen floor. After he did that, he wished that he did not, and carefully gathered the pieces of the mug, planning to super-glue it back together. He went over to the sink, got a wet towel and started to clean up the coffee residue.

He sat down at the table lost in his thoughts and emotions. His self-pity was distracted by his son, who was trying to climb out of his crib. For the first time in a long time, Chandler laughed and it was not a sarcastic laugh, but was a joyful laugh. He went over to the crib, picked up his son and said 'That's my big boy'. As he sat Chandler Jr. inside his high chair he said 'It's about time my big boy got his own big-boy bed. What'd you think'.

Chandler went over to the pantry and poured him a small bowl of Cheerios and a small glass of juice, which he knocked over and started to giggle. 'You better be glad your mom didn't see that', he joked as he cleaned up the mess. As he was cleaning, a glint on the coffee table caught his eye and he went over to investigate. On the table laid his college Class Ring, which he had lost years ago. Next to his wedding ring, it was his most prized piece of jewelry. As he picked up the ring wondering where it came from, he felt Monica's presence all around him, and it was so strong it was almost tangible. He could almost feel her put her arms around him and could almost hear her whisper 'Happy Anniversary' in his ear. He wasn't sure if this was real, or if this was just his mind playing tricks on him, but to Chandler it didn't matter. It was close enough, and he was loving every single second of it. But the ring on the other hand... that was real, and even he couldn't deny that.

Chandler came out of his day-dream state to hear the baby squealing with laughter as he was throwing bits of cereal on the floor. 'Well I guess we know he's not from YOUR side of the family, Mon', Chandler chuckled as he quickly swept up the floor. He picked up the phone and dialed a number, and a few seconds later Rachel answered. Chandler asked if he woke her up, but Rachel said they had already been up, and were just getting around to making the bed.

'Listen is the offer to go shopping still good', Chandler asked and Rachel replied 'Oh of course, honey. Is everything ok'. Chandler said he was doing OK and Rachel asked him if he was sure, and Chandler said he was ok. 'We don't have to go shopping. If you just want to hang out over here, or if you want us to hang out over there, that's not a problem'. Chandler replied that he really needed to go shopping. Rachel asked what was so urgent, and Chandler invited them over, to see for themselves

It was close to an hour later as Rachel and Phoebe were over at Chandler's apartment, as Phoebe saw the broken coffee mug and asked Chandler what happened to it. Chandler was embarrassed to say that he threw it against the wall, so he just said it fell off the counter. Deep inside Phoebe had a pretty good idea of what happened, but didn't let it show and just asked Chandler if he had any glue. Rachel and Phoebe held the broken pieces together as Chandler carefully applied the glue, and set it on the counter to dry.

'Ok, watch this', Chandler said as he put his son back inside the crib and a few moments later, he was trying to climb out again. 'Look like somebody's ready for their own bed', Rachel exclaimed as she went over to the crib, and picked up the baby. Phoebe called Ursula asking if she wouldn't mind baby-sitting for a few hours. About 30 minutes later, and Ursula arrives as she hugs her sister, as they chat for a few minutes. She takes the baby in her arms, fussing over him as everybody quietly leaves. They all pile into Phoebe's taxi and encourage Chandler to ride in the front seat, as Phoebe gets in the driver's seat and says 'Where's my cheat sheet'. Chandler asked what cheat sheet, and Phoebe replied 'The one that tells me where the brake and gas are'. Chandler eyes get wide and he says 'Move over, I'll drive'

'Hang on a sec', Phoebe says as she puts the car in drive as they all lurch forward. As they made their way down the street, Rachel turned to Chandler and asked if he really was doing ok. He nodded and said all things considering, he was doing ok. Rachel smiled and said 'I know this has been a terrible year, and I hope it's the worst you will ever know' Chandler thanked her and then almost as an after-thought said 'I thought I could almost feel Monica this morning. I haven't felt her that strong since the funeral'

'I believe you, Chandler', Phoebe said, 'I believe that when you die you never really go away. You remain by those who were close to you and can't tell you how many times I felt Monica right next to me. It seems to happen more when I am sad or depressed and I think it's her way of letting me know she's still here and everything will be ok' Chandler said he thought it was his mind playing tricks on him, and showed them the ring and said 'But I can't explain this'.

Right at that very second 'The Way You Look Tonight' plays on the radio, even though nobody touched the controls. Phoebe pulls over the car to the side of the road as all three of them listen to the song and Phoebe turned to Chandler and asked 'Is your mind playing tricks on you now'. Chandler who is still too stunned to reply, simply shook his head. They stand there for a few more minutes, each one lost in their own thoughts and Chandler said 'Not a day goes by that I don't think about her' as Rachel and Phoebe nod in agreement.

They spend a few hours going from store to store, as Rachel was getting some coats and other winter-related clothes for her trip to Colorado, and Phoebe went to a New-Age store to get some candles and incense, as Chandler stayed with Rachel. Later on they go to a furniture store, as Phoebe and Rachel help Chandler select a bed for his son. He goes to purchase the bed, and was told it would be delivered the next day.

After shopping all afternoon, they worked up an appetite and went to a local Chinese restaurant by the mall then made their way back home. As Chandler walked up the stair, he noticed the door to apartment 19 was open, with boxes in the living room. He poked his head in, to find that nobody was there as he walked back inside his apartment. A few minutes later he heard a knock on the door and answered it to find a woman standing outside. She was mid 30's with dirty-blond hair.

'Hi, I'm Samantha. We just moved across the hall', she introduced as they shook hands. 'Oh yeah, I used to live in that room', Chandler informed as Samantha asked him about the door that was cut in half and Chandler laughed and said 'Long story involving a power saw' as they chuckled. 'Oh, what did I come over here for... oh that's right. You wouldn't have a salad bowl I could borrow, do you', she asked. Chandler nodded and said 'Sure. Come on in'

She followed him inside, as Chandler reaches for the salad bowl and hands it to her, as she thanks him. 'Mommy I'm hungry', a small girl said as she entered the apartment. Samantha introduced her as her daughter Becky. 'I'll fix dinner in a few minutes. It the mean-time, why don't you start unpacking your boxes' as Becky leaves. Samantha notices the pictures of Monica and asked 'Is this your wife' as Chandler nodded and replied 'Yeah she was my wife'

Samantha noticed Chandler said 'was' and asked 'Are you divorced', as he shook his head and said that she died a year ago. 'I'm so sorry. I know the pain of losing somebody you love...I know it all too well', Samantha said. She paused and added 'He was a police officer, 3 years ago... 3 years, 2 months, and 17 days to be exact, he was shot. All because some punk didn't want a traffic ticket'. She smiled and invited Chandler over for dinner. 'I always make too much. Would you care to join us', Samantha asked but Chandler declined the offer. She nodded and said 'Maybe some other time then', as she once again thanked Chandler for lending her the salad bowl, and left.


	27. Chapter 27

**Promises Fulfilled **

It was the next day, as Chandler was at the cemetery, placing fresh flowers at Monica's grave. He didn't even know how long he had been there. Whenever he was at the grave, time seemed to stand still and become irrelevant. He heard footsteps approach, crunching the leaves on the ground as it got louder and louder, before finally stopping. 'Hey Ross', Chandler said, without even looking up. 'H.. how did you know it was me', Ross asked flabbergasted.

Chandler shrugged and replied 'Lucky guess, I guess...plus I heard you coming. You have one of the most boring walks I have ever seen'. They both chuckled and Ross asked how long Chandler was here, and he replied that he didn't know. Ross knew that even though Chandler was getting on with his life, he was still in pain over losing Monica and didn't know what he could, or should say to him. He opted to play it safe and went for a simple 'I miss her too'.

Chandler nodded and Ross continued 'And I know what you've had to go thru'. If anybody else had said that, he would have come un-glued, because in his eyes nobody knew what he went thru or was still going thru. Not even close. But even though he lost his wife, Ross lost his sister, so in a sense he was the only one who can rightfully claim to have some kind of inkling as to how Chandler was feeling. Ross laid a hand on his brother-in-law's shoulder and said 'Hey it's getting late...c'mon and I'll buy you a beer'

He reluctantly allowed Ross to lead him away from the cemetery, as they walked to a local bar that was about a mile down the road. Ross goes over to the bar and a few moments later, returns with some bottles and places one in front of Chandler. 'So how are you holding up', Chandler asked. Ross opened his bottle, took a long gulp and replied 'Ok, I guess. Like you, I have my good days and my bad ones'. He paused and added "It's happening, Chandler. I knew it would, from medical standpoint, but a part of me refused to believe'.

Ross took another sip of beer and continued 'It's happening, and I can't stop it. Little by little, I am going blind'. Chandler had already known about this little piece of information and asked how much longer he had. Ross felt his eyes begin to water and replied he had a few more months, before it became substantially worse. He attempted to hide the fact that he was crying, quickly wiped his eyes and went back to the bar for a few more bottles, before returning.

'I heard that you have a new neighbor', Ross said as he sat back down again, in an effort to change the subject. Chandler nodded and said 'Yeah I met her yesterday as I was returning from the mall. She seemed really nice and invited me to have dinner with her'. Ross raised an eyebrow and said 'Really'. Chandler said he declined her invitation and Ross asked why he did that.

Chandler sighed and said it felt as if he would be cheating on Monica. Ross waited for a few seconds, as he needed to carefully choose his wording and said 'Chandler, you have kept every promise you made to my little sister. You were a great husband and provider and did everything that was asked and expected of you. You told her 'until death do we part', and you have fulfilled your promise to her'. He paused and and continued 'And I know Monica would want you to be happy. Did you really think Monica would want you to be miserable and pine for her, for the rest of your life? If the tables were turned, would you want Monica to find happiness again'

'If it's too soon, I understand. But what you have to understand is Monica is fine with that. Just promise me that you'll think about it. After all, it's only dinner...it's not like you're going to marry her, after one meal'. Chandler chuckled and replied 'No, I'll leave that for you'

It was later in the day as the department store had just delivered the bed, and he was trying to assemble the frame when there was a knock at the door. Chandler set down the screwdriver and went to answer the door, as Samantha returned the salad bowl, thanking him for letting her borrow it. Chandler invited her inside as they made some small talk and Chandler asked 'Do you and your daughter like pizza'. Samantha smiled and said it was one of their most favorite food.

'There is a great pizza place just around the corner. Did you want to go', he asked and Samantha said she would love to and asked Chandler to give her a few minutes. About 10 minutes later , Samantha and her daughter Becky arrive as Samantha said 'Mr. Bing invited us to go for pizza, did you want to go'. Becky nodded as Chandler smiled and said 'Ok, so let's go then' as they leave the apartment.


	28. Chapter 28

**Christmas in Colorado**

It was a few weeks later, as Ross and Rachel were busy packing for their flight to Colorado, which was the next day. Rachel had always wanted to take Ross skiing, but something always came up that prevented him from going. Now with time so limited they decided to make plans to go, while Ross' eyesight was still decent enough to enjoy the winter scenery. 'Here you go' she said as she handed him a ski mask and he looked at it and said 'Cool, now we can go and rob the bank'

'Trust me, you'll be glad to have it, when it's 15 degrees and the wind is blowing like crazy', Rachel reminded, as she had Ross try on some jackets and gloves. 'I don't even know why I'm going' he pouted as Rachel had him try on some winter-boots. 'Because I want you to be able to take in and see everything, while we still have time. And Colorado in winter-time is so beautiful, with the snow on the ground and the fire at the lodge' Rachel said. Ross said he didn't even know how to ski and Rachel chuckled and said 'If you can walk, you can ski'.

'But I don't even have any skis', Ross complained as Rachel smiled and went to the closet and pulled out a brand new pair of skis and handed them to Ross. 'Think of it as an early Christmas present', she said as Ross hugged her and thanked her. 'Well are you ready to ski', she asked and Ross shrugged and nodded. 'It'll be fun. My family has been going to Colorado for Christmas every year, since I was 10 years old'. They stepped onto the balcony, enjoying the cold December air, as a few snowflakes fell to the ground. They finished drinking the hot cocoa and Rachel suggested they get some sleep, as Phoebe would be there at 5am to take them to the airport.

No sooner did Ross lay down and close his eyes, the alarm was going off. 'What time is it' he said as Rachel gently woke him. 'It's 4am. We have an hour to get ready'. Ross yawned and went to shave and splash some cold water on his face, as Rachel got a pot of coffee brewing and went to change. Rachel came to say she was going to take a quick shower. 'Can I join you', Ross said as Rachel chucked, kissed him and said 'That would be defeating the purpose of having a quick shower'

Ross finished shaving, and got dressed and poured two cups of coffee and handed one to Rachel as she walked into the kitchen. As they finished the coffee, there was a knock on the door and Ross went to answer it as Rachel washed the coffee mugs and set them on the counter to dry, and fixed another one for Phoebe, who stepped into the kitchen. 'Hey are we ready' Phoebe said as she quickly drank the coffee and helped carry some of their things to her taxi, which was parked at the curb.

She slowly pulled onto the street, as the snow from the night before covered the streets, making it hard to see where the lanes were. After an un-eventful trip, they arrive at LaGuardia Airport and Phoebe helped them carry some of their bags to the check-in counter. The agent places some tags on the bags and skis, and placed them on the baggage carousel as their bags disappeared down a chute, on the way to the airline baggage crew. The desk agent then hands them their boarding passes as Rachel turned to Phoebe and thanked her, and they hugged. She smiled and said 'I just want to see lots and lots of pictures'.

Phoebe leaves to go back to her taxi, as Ross and Rachel made their way thru security. They arrived at the gate early, and decide to grab a quick bite to eat at the airport cafe as Ross orders pancakes and Rachel orders bacon and eggs. 'Are you sure it's ok we're going. I mean this will be Chandler's first Christmas without Monica', Ross said. Rachel thought for a few moments and replied 'I'm sure he'll be fine. He is going to spend Christmas with Phoebe and Ursula'

The finished eating, and go to pay the bill and head to the gate just as the agent announced the flight was delayed, due to heavy snow at the Denver Airport. They go up and ask how long the delay, and was told it should be another 2 hours. 'Well that's not too bad', Rachel said as they sat back down and patiently waited, as somebody dressed as Santa Claus was making his round around the terminal, handing out candy canes, pausing to hand one to Ross and Rachel before walking to some other people a few rows over.

About an hour-and-a-half pass and the gate agent gets on the speaker to announce the flight to Denver was boarding. Rachel and Ross get up, present their tickets and head down the long walkway to the airplane and take their seats. The flight attendants go over the safety procedures, then take their seats as the aircraft is slowly taxied to the runway. The pilot got on the speaker, announcing they would soon be departing and reminding everybody to remain in their seats, until further notice.

The plane sat on the runway for a few minutes, and then the engines roared as the aircraft quickly sped down the runway gaining speed and momentum, before leaving the ground. Rachel peeked over Ross' shoulder and looked out the window as the landscape of the city grew smaller and smaller, and eventually they were soaring above the white puffy clouds. The Captain came on the speaker and said said it should be another 3 hours before they arrive at the Denver International Airport.

- Time Lapse-

It was a little over 3 hours later as the airplane landed at the airport as Ross and Rachel quickly go to baggage claim and retrieve their things. As they make their way to the outside, they quickly put on their coats as the cold wind is strong and fierce. They wait for a few seconds, as a cab approaches the curb and they put their things in the trunk, and get inside. The driver leaves the airport and heads for the ski lodge, which is on the outside of town.

They see the majestic Rocky Mountains all around them, as Rachel points and whispers 'This is what I wanted you to see'. Ross as seen them before on TV and in his National Geographic magazines, but nothing could compare to seeing them, in person. A few snow flurries fell from the grey sky, as they arrive at the Lodge. They quickly go to check in, and are shown to their room as they quickly unpack and head back downstairs to the Lobby and sit down by the fireplace enjoying hot cider. 'So', she asked as she set down her glass on the table 'Are you ready to go skiing', as Ross nodded, but whined that he didn't know how.

'I'll be with you, and you'll do fine', she assured as they went and changed and met out by the ski-lift. There was a sign advertising 'Dead Man's Run' as Ross chuckled and said 'Why do I get the feeling that's not for beginners'. Rachel chuckled as they got on the ski lift, and got off at the very first stop. Rachel made sure her skis were securely on and turned to Ross and said, 'Ok just watch me and do what I do'. She positioned herself on the slope, and slowly went down-hill, and Ross stumbled behind her.

They reached the bottom of the hill and skidded to a stop as Rachel said 'See, that's not so hard, is it' as Ross shook his head. They spent the rest of the afternoon skiing, and as the sun began to slowly dip below the mountains, they made their way back to the Lodge. They put their things back in their room, and headed down to the restaurant as the waiter showed them to a table, with a scenic view of the night sky. The waiter poured them each a glass of wine, and took their orders.

'Thanks for making me come here', Ross said as Rachel simply smiled as they took a sip of the wine, watching as other skiers were leaving the slopes for the warmth of the Lodge. After they eat, they get some hot chocolate, and sit down at a table next to the fire. 'See', Rachel said, 'This is what I have been begging you to see, all these years'. Ross leans over, kisses her and said 'Thank you so much'. They finish their drinks and went back to their room.


	29. Chapter 29

**Three Months Later**

The days slowly progressed into weeks, then into months. Chandler was looking forward to the first day of Spring, which was just a few short weeks away. The past winter was unusually cold, and it would be nice to be able to walk over to Central Perk, without having to bundle like an Eskimo. Mr. Treeger could be heard outside, as he was supervising some contractors who were doing landscaping.

In the next week, the entire gang was flying to Los Angeles, as Joey's guest, to watch the Premiere of his new movie. He was looking forward to seeing Joey, Michael and Gina again, as was everybody else. Joey, never ceasing to try and impress people, went as far as to charter a private jet for them.

Ross' eyesight was getting progressively worse, and now was no longer able to drive, something that he relished and cherished. That perhaps, was the hardest thing for Ross to accept and deal with, not only because loved to drive, but because it would only be a matter of time before he was totally blind. He fell into a deep depression, and Rachel remained true to her word, as stayed by him every step of the way, doing what she could to help him and comfort him.

About a few months ago, Phoebe was at a bar and met Mike, who was the local pianist. They hit it off from the very start and were in the process of trying to find their own place, and eventually settled on a quaint little apartment, overlooking Times Square

He got dressed, and went to check on his son, forgetting that Phoebe had come by and picked him up, the night before. He finished his bowl of cereal and placed it and his coffee mug in the dishwasher and left the apartment, just as Samantha was as they stopped to say hello and that they would see each other that afternoon as they were throwing a birthday party for Becky at a local Chuck E Cheese.

They had been out a few times, and even though he sorely wanted the companionship, he couldn't help but feel guilty and felt like he was cheating on Monica. Samantha, being in the same boat after her husband died, knew exactly what he was feeling, and didn't try to pressure or force him to do anything he was not ready for.

He hurried down to the subway station, and caught the train to Time Square just as it was about to pull out of the platform. The ride was un-eventful and eventually the subway train slowly screeched to a halt as Chandler and a score of other passengers were getting off, just as a score of other passengers were getting on. He climbed the stairs to the street level and walked another 3 blocks to an apartment and knocked on the door

A few moments later, and Mike answered, inviting Chandler inside. 'Hey', Phoebe greeted with a hug as she quickly threw on a sweater, as it was still a little cold outside, finished her coffee as she and Chandler walked back to the street.

'So how's it been going... you and Samantha', she asked. Chandler shrugged and said 'OK, I guess. Nothing too serious'.

'It's ok to move on, you know', Phoebe said as she laid her hand on his shoulder. He nodded and said 'I know what you're saying, and Ross said the same thing too and in my head it makes sense, but in my heart I can't help feeling guilty, like I am somehow cheating on Monica'

'Is there anything we can do to show you that's not the case', Phoebe asked. Chandler shook his head 'Not this time. This is something I have to figure out on my own'. Phoebe stepped in front of him and said 'I know. Just know that it's ok'

She went to catch a subway to work as Chandler entered a local toy store, and conversed with the clerk who was a young woman, asking what a young girl may like as a birthday gift, and eventually settled on a popular doll and a few accessories. She rang up the register as he paid and went to catch the subway back to the Village.

It was getting close to 5pm as Chandler had finished wrapping the present and caught the subway and arrived at the Chuck E. Cheese and made his way over and handed the gift to Becky. 'Happy birthday' he said as he kissed her forehead. He sat down next to Samantha as the kids all ran off to play the video games. The waiter came by with some pizza about half an hour later as the kids scrambled to eat as Becky opened the presents

'Thanks Chandler', she exclaimed as she hugged him. 'You can play with it tonight', her mom said as she set the gifts aside. The kids ate and ran back to play some more videos games.

Chandler and Samantha were talking as the kids were playing the arcades, and without thinking he leaned in and kissed her. He pulled away instantly and profusely apologized. 'Chandler, it's ok', she said as she gently ran her hand across his cheek. He leaned in as they kissed again.


End file.
